The joy of cooking

I love to cook.

Cooking, when it is done with care, is an art form. It is one of the most fundamental acts of love when shared with another person. It is another opportunity for self expression. It is love.

My home (I like the sound of that) is filled with the most magnificant aromas right now. I am currently roasting beets, yellow summer squash, and spring scallion onions in my oven. To make good use of all the other veggies I have, I've concocted a lovely vegetable korean curry (not to be confused with a thai or indian curry) filled with tatsoi (a bok choi derivative), bok choi, carrots, onions, some garlic scape, some napa cabbage, baked tofu, and a handful of shitake mushrooms. I made enough curry to feed me for a month so I'm freezing 3/4 of it for days when I'm not in the mood to cook. The rest of the napa cabbage will likely become a coleslaw with apples and carrots and a touch of lime. I still have 4 HUGE heads of lettuce and all the tops from the beets. I can't eat that much salad.

I'm also going to bake the strawberry rhubarb pie sometime during this long weekend. LB is coming over tomorrow night and bringing along her hubby and adorable son J. I'm gonna try and make it in time for their visit. The additional 3 stalks of rhubarb finally pushed me over the edge. I've dug out my pie plate and food processor (to make the pie crust dough) and everything.

I do enjoy cooking.

I'm so easy to please.

What other 29 year old, single, hottie (sic), female spends her Friday nights roasting veggies, making curry, and sketching pictures of flowers on her bathroom walls? I'm weird.

PS: I found a place in Brooklyn that sells all the supplies I need to make jam. I'm heading over their tomorrow morning after I teach a yoga class. I'm probably not going to make jam this weekend - that'll be my adventure for next weekend. I've also found some lovely recipes for a fig-rhubarb jam.

Sorry...this is a very insipid journal entry...and that's saying a lot given the quality of my recent posts.

CSA Week 3 Roundup - aka - Would you like some free veggies?

We've been experiencing some extreme heat these past few weeks and it appears to have affected the growing cycle for some of the veggies from Norwich Meadows Farms. Veggies are growing faster than expected thus this week was a dousy. Here's what I got this week:

6 ounces of sweet onion scallions
4 beets
2 green lettuces
2 red lettuces
1 Bok Choi
1 Napa Cabbage
1 Tatsoi
10 Garlic Scapes
1 Summer Squash
3 Apples
1 bottle of raspberry apple cidar
1 jar of concord grape jelly
3 stalks of rhubarb

I could barely carry my poor canvas bag home. I have no idea how I'm going to eat all of this in one week. If you are in NYC and would like some free, fresh, seasonal, organic veggies, send me an email. I would feel really bad if I had to toss some of these veggies because I couldn't eat them all.

Conversation with mom about email

Urgent call from my mother while I am at work:

Mom: I need you to set up an email account for me.
Me: Do you know how to use email?
Mom: Yes, of course. I took at class at church.
Me: How many classes?
Mom: Just one but I have a good memory.
Me: Are you sure?
Mom: Yes, I need it for the Nike account.
Me: Do you know how to type?
Mom: Sure. You just peck out the letters.
Me: Do you know how to spell?
Mom: Umm...I'll call you if I don't know how to spell a word.
Me: Fine. I'll set one up in gmail and then call you when its all set up.
Mom: Okay. Thanks. I love you.

A few minutes later.

Me: Hi, I set up the email account. Go to this page. Gmail.com.
Mom: Okay, did it.
Me: In the user name on the right hand side type in: ******* In the password type in: ********* Then click 'sign in'
Mom: Okay
Me: Did you get in?
Mom: No, what am I supposed to see?
Me: You should be in the inbox and see one email from the Gmail Team. On the left side you should see a lot of different commands.
Mom: I don't see any of that. All I see are the words 'Google Search'
Me: Wait, did you even go to the gmail site?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Then how did you get to 'Google Search'
Mom: I don't know. The computer just took me there.
Me: (suspecting that she had never even gone to gmail) Okay. Lets start again. Go to the very top of the internet explorer window. (I then walk her through the entire process again.)
Mom: I still get 'Google Search'
Me: Let me talk to Rudolfo (my mom's manager)
Me to Rudolfo: Can you show my mother how to get to gmail.
Rudolfo: Sure, sure

(mumbling in the background for about 5 minutes)

Mom: We still get 'Google Search' (at this point my mom is cracking up so hard that she can barely speak.)
Me: OMG! Does no one in the store know how to use the internet. Let me talk to Christian (one of the sales kids.)
Me to Christian: Hi Christian, do you know how to check email?
Christian: Sure
Me: Okay, can you take my mother to gmail.com
Christian: Okay

(5 more minutes pass)

Mom: We still get google search. Just set up an account in hotmail. I know how to use hotmail.
Me: Gmail is the same concept.
Mom: I don't care. I learned how to use hotmail.
Me: Fine, I'll call you when I set up the account in hotmail.
Mom: Okay. Bye.

5 minutes later...

Me: Hi. Okay, you are all set up in hotmail. It's the same user name and password.
Mom: Okay, stay on the line while I try it.
(two minutes pass)
Mom: I don't understand.
Me: What?
Mom: I still get google search.
Mom: Oh, never mind...I'll try later.
Me: Okay, Bye.

I call my mom at work 2 days later.

Me: Hi, it's me. Did you figure out how to check your email.
Mom: No, but your little sister is coming over in the afternoon to show me how to use email.
Me: I though you knew how to use email.
Mom: So did I.

Bo in Aschtavakrasana

Bo in Aschtavakrasana
Originally uploaded by jboylee.

I came across this picture whilst sorting through some old files. I think this picture is about three or four years old. So I must have been about 25 years old. If I remember the day correctly, a friend had just gotten a new digital camera and wanted to experiment so I was being all goofy and started doing all sorts of yoga poses. I've always been fairly competent at arm balances. My shoulder loop looks great in the picture but if you look closely my left hand is sort of lifting off the floor and my thighs are not solidly holding onto my right arm. While I'm not going to say my current Aschtavakrasana is better (that's not really the point of the yoga, after all) I will say that my body has become stronger and more open and I can do the pose more gracefully now.

Ha!

I thought y'all would get a hoot.

PS: Check out my pretty, shiny red toes. I still paint them that color!

From our nation's capital

Greetings from DC! I'm down here for the next few days attending a conference and working.

Don't you just hate it when you build your enthusiasm for something and then plans change and what you thought was going to happen won't happen for several more days. My furniture shop called yesterday and informed me that the sleeper sofa and chair and ottoman that I ordered, which were supposed to be delivered on July 1st, will now be delivered on July 15. I guess I'll be sitting on the floor for a couple more weeks. On the bright side, my cute pedstal dining room table will still be delivered on Friday. So I have a place to work and eat but no place to park my sorry booty. In the grand scheme of things, two weeks is nothing in the life of a sofa.

Oh, I'm painting my bathroom this weekend...and by painting I don't mean just one color. My contractor had painted my bathroom high gloss white. And you know me when I see big white spaces...I gotta fill them. So I'm going to the paint store on friday and picking up a whole slew of those small Benjamin Moore paint samples and I'm gonna paint pictures on my bathroom walls. Great big abstract pictures of...well, that I haven't figured out yet. I'll be doing some major charcoal sketching on my bathroom walls on friday night. I'm taking suggestions. Just to give you an idea, the tiles in my bathroom are sort of a gray with a slight blue hue to them. My bath mat is yellow and my shower curtain is a madras plaid of lilac, yellow, and light green. Yeah, I'm a girl. Anyway, so the pictures on my wall need to sort of match that theme. I'm thinking happy flowers - blue bells, sunflowers, daisies, poppies, lotus blossoms and a few chubby bumble bees and lady bugs to round it all out. Yes, I really, really, really am a girl.

I am now off to sign into my conference.

The tenuous life of an artist

This weekend was weird and wild and I loved it. I got to immerse myself in the world of dance. Got to watch it and speak about it and investigate it and breathe it all in. During one discussion someone asked, "But what are they [the artists] thinking?" and the response was "I don't think even they always know that. All we know is that it is very different from what everyone else is thinking. That, I think is the purpose of artists. They think differently from the rest of us."

I like that description.

I'm not sure what to make of the two pieces I saw this past weekend. Both were mesmerizing in there own way yet profoundly sad and rather dark.

I then came across this article about Sarah Michelson this morning. It's sad to think that such a well established artist can barely scrape by. What sort of commentary is that on our societies value system?

FYI: for those who might live in NYC. Sarah Michelson is teaching a couple of classes at the yoga studio The Shala this week and over the 4th of July weekend. I highly recommend you check them out. I know I'll be there. She rarely teaches yoga anymore so this is a great treat. She's the teacher that taught me to "place your hand on your cheek and caress your face as though you were caressing the face of your beloved...then realize that you are."

*****
Copyright 2005 The New York Times Company
The New York Times

June 14, 2005 Tuesday

HEADLINE: Back on the Boards, but Haunted by an Injury and the Rent

BYLINE: By CHRISTOPHER REARDON

BODY:

Sarah Michelson prides herself on being a survivor, a latchkey kid who crossed an ocean, beat the odds and made a name in New York. As a choreographer, she commands an avid downtown following, wins plum commissions and basks in critical acclaim.

But last winter Ms. Michelson (pronounced MITCH-el-son) suffered a wrenching blow. While rehearsing on Jan. 2, four days before the scheduled opening of her new show, she cracked a bone in her right foot. The injury, she said, was cataclysmic. It forced the cancellation of a three-week run at P.S. 122 in the East Village, costing her troupe an estimated $43,550 in production expenses, theater fees and lost ticket sales.

Now back on her feet, Ms. Michelson plans to return to the stage tomorrow through June 26 for the belated premiere of ''Daylight,'' an abstract work initially conceived as a meditation on urban geography and displacement.

Yet the injury haunts her. It has intensified her already acute sense of stage fright, she said, driven her deeper into debt and weakened her devotion to the art form. ''I really cannot go on this way,'' said Ms. Michelson, 40, who has no health insurance and consequently ran up a $12,000 medical bill. ''I have no money to live on.''

Bouncing babies

And we have another one!

My oldest and one of my dearest friends, MK, gave birth to yet another healthy, beautiful baby boy! Welcome to your new life, TYHK! May it be filled with great joy, blessings, and adventure. You couldn't have asked for two more lovely people for parents.

It's odd that all my friends seem to be popping out baby boys. Aren't girls supposed to out number boys?

CSA Week 2 Roundup

This weeks CSA bounty included:

1 bunch of red lettuce
1 bunch of green lettuce
1/2 lb of kale
1/2 lb of swiss chard
1/2 lb of bitter greens
5 garlic scapes
1 yellow summer squash

This bounty was thusly transformed:

The lettuces are being eaten as wonderful salads. I have enough greenery for 4 HUGE salads.
The kale was cooked down with some stock, garlic, and lemon zest. It was all finished off with a little olive oil to balance out the flavors. Yum. Kale is one of my most favorite leafy greens. Some of the cooked kale made its way into a tasty egg white omlete.
The swiss chard and bitter greens were steamed down, then mixed with a little garlic, scallions, seasame seed oil, seasame seeds, and a touch of fish sauce. This recipe is an ode to my korean side. Quite yummy when eaten with some brown rice and kimchee.
The garlic scape were steamed and eaten straight away. I've never had garlic scape before but I'm a convert. It is garlicy, aromatic, and delicious. I'll have to make some for a dinner party sometime in the near future.
The squash was thinly sliced, marinated in a little aged balsamic vinegar, olive oil, salt, and pepper and then broiled. Ideally I would have grilled the squash (nothing is better than grilled squash) but I lack both a grill and a backyard. Yellow summer squash is up there with kale on my list of favorites.

This week was quite the treat!

This is turning out to be one of the best things I've done this year!

Techie success and jam progress

So after a little tweaking and some research, my wireless router is up and operational. I'm using it right now! Big success...

No need to date for tech support...however, dating for massages...I'm up for that!

My jam progress has been very slow going. It's nearly impossible to find the needed equipment in Manhattan. I think I'll have to order all the goods online. After some research I've decided that I need the following supplies:

- 22 Quart Canning Pot
- Canning Rack
- Wide Mouth Funnel
- Canning Jar Lifter
- 8oz Jelly Jars
- Various Fruits
- Sugar
- Liquid Pectin

All told, I may end up spending some $100 dollars for about two dozen 8oz jars of jam - this includes about $50 worth of fresh fruit. If I just purchased jam I'd probably spend about the same amount for two dozen jars of gourmet jam - far less if I purchase conventional supermarket variety jam - even less if I purchase Trader Joe preserves. And there is no guarantee that I'll even make a decent batch of jam. My jam may end up being quite disgusting. But I can't seem to get the jam making idea out of my head. I actually started thinking about it two years ago when I met FS, the former landlord of my friend EC. She made her own jams. I just found this idea fascinating. Obviously, given my seventh grade hobbies, I've always found the idea of homemade jams quite romantic and enchanting. FS was the first person I ever met who actually made her own jam. Of course, I have my family to blame for some of this. From scratch cooking is in my blood. My grandma used to dry her own fish and make her own kimchee and chili paste and fermented soy bean paste. She could have easily purchased mass produced varieties but she didn't. Same with my mom. I'm the lucky kid that had a hot homecooked meal every night. My mom and grandma made everything from scratch. I fortunately or unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) learned from them. If I ever have kids, the little tykes may not have clean socks but they'll always have food made with love.

Oh jam...I shall learn your mysteries.

Dating for Tech Support

I think I need to start dating from tech support. After spending nearly three hours trying to set up my wireless router last night, I finally gave up and went to bed at 2 in the morning. What a horrible miserable failure. I'm going to give it one last go tonight. If that fails, I'm going to officially pimp myself out for a MSc in Computer Science.

Complete non-sequitor

I have become eerily obsessed with the idea of putting up my own fruit preserves and jams this summer. The thought of making my own jam just tickles me to no extent. I'm researching methods and contemplating recipes and shopping around for jelly jars. Even more exciting than the thought of making jam is the thought of cracking open a self-made jar of jam in the middle of the winter. Here are some of my recipe ideas:

Rhubarb-Fig with Lemon Preserves
Strawberry, Lime, and Mint Preserves
Cranberry-Orange Marmalade
Peach, Vanilla, and Candied Ginger Preserves

I'm a little wary only because I once tried making jam in seventh grade (I was a weird kid) and I failed miserably. I'll let you know if anything comes of my jam adventures.

I wonder if my tech deficencies are related in any way to my jam proclivities?

In my next life I want to come back as a modern dancer

I'm officially claiming this weekend as my modern dance weekend. I kicked it off last night with the emotionally exhausting, yet meditative Death Poem by Eiko and Koma at Danspace Project. Through my work with Danspace Project's board, I was able to score an invitation to their insideDans event prior to the performance and got to nibble on some tasty cheese whilst listening to several Eiko and Koma experts discuss the performance and the artists. I'm now inspired to take their Delicious Movement workshop next time they hold one in NYC.

Next up is the much anticipated Sarah Michelson piece Daylight at PS 122 on Saturday night. I say much anticipated because 1) The piece was originally set to debut in January but was postponed due to injury, and 2) Sarah Michelson is a genius. Sarah Michelson was one of my first (and still most influential) yoga teachers back in the day when she was still establishing herself in the NYC dance community and I could barely get through a 90 minute yoga class without feeling like I would pass out. Her classes were inspirational and transformative and so is her dance.

I need to sign myself up for some dance classes. I also need to find me some friends who like modern dance. I want a post-show discussion buddy.

The business case for corporate diversity

Oreo Barbie
Originally uploaded by jboylee.

Why is corporate diversity important?

So that there is at least one person in the room who realizes that this...Oreo Barbie....is one of the most racist and stupidest thing to come out of a corporate boardroom.

What were they thinking?

Think Globally, Eat Locally

Although I fail miserably 99% of the time, whenever possible, I do try and practice what I preach. I recently joined a Community Supporting Agriculture (CSA) program not to far from my new home. What is a CSA and how does it work? Here's a snippet from my CSA's website:

How it works:
Members join the CSA during the winter and early spring. They pay in advance to provide Norwich Meadows Farm with starter money to buy plants, pay labor expenses, and get things rolling wihout having to take out a high interest loan. Starting in June, as the crops begin to ripen, through the end of the season in November, our farmer Zaid will deliver weekly shares of his harvest for members to pick up.

Why it's great!
CSA is good for your body, your mind, your taste buds, and your wallet, good for the farmer, the farm, and good for the environment. Forming this kind of partnership cuts all the middlemen -- the farmer gets all of your food dollars as opposed to the huge portion that usually goes to shipping, packaging, advertising, etc., in the traditional food market. You can afford to get fresher, tastier food for less money while supporting a system that keeps small local farms in business using sustainable, earth-friendly, organic growing methods. You know where your food is coming from, who is growing it, and the ways it has been tended, and our farmer gets to know who is enjoying the food he and his family have worked hard to produce. Everyone wins!

I picked up my first share of veggies and fruit last week. The produce varies from week to week depending on the harvest and I never know what I'll get. Not only am I supporting a local, organic farmer, I also eat more veggies, and I keep variety alive in my diet. My bag of goodies included:

Two heads of romaine lettuce
A big head of bok choi
Kale
A bunch of white radish
A bunch of bitter greens that I wasn't familiar with but which were very tasty
Two leeks
Three stalks of rhubarb
Several Apples

I got all this for an average price of $10 - A overflowing bag of organic veggies for $10 - that's unheard of in NYC. My bag of goodies was transformed into the following menu items:

The romaine lettuce became the foundation of a HUGE salad
The bok choi found its way into a tasty garlic saute and also into a big homemade pot of soup
The kale and bitter greens also joined the pot of soup, as did the greens from the radishes.
The white radishes were eaten raw as I'm a big radish fan
The leeks joined some eggs, potatoes, and garlic in a nice little omolete
The rhubarbs were peeled, diced, and stocked away in the freezer. I'll transform them into a nice strawberry-rhubarb pie when a baking fit descends upon me
The apples were eaten right away

One veggie share is meant for 1 - 3 individuals and they weren't kidding. In my mad rush to eat through my weekly veggie allotment, I found little time to eat anything else. That's another benefit - I'm eating loads more veggies.

Although the harvest season has started, it may not be to late to join a local CSA. Here's a list of CSAs in NYC. I'm sure a quick google search will turn one up in your local 'hood.

I'm going to try and keep a post of my weekly veggie and fruit share. I think it'll be fun.

Handy Coveting

Having come close to finishing the initial flurry of activity associated with any good house move, I've come to realize that I am becoming far too house proud for my own good. My kitchen cabinets are too organized (I suppose it helps that I have glass cabinet doors and this shames me into keeping them tidy) and all my clothing is either hung up properly or folded semi-neatly in drawers. I've even mopped my shiny refinished floors three times in the past two weeks. I'm sure once the newness of it all fades, I'll be back to my old, somewhat unkempt ways. I know a few of you would like to see some pics of the new place (complete with lemon souffle yellow walls) but I'm holding off until 1) I get some proper furniture in place, and 2) I figure out a way to "borrow" my sisters digital camera for a few days.

My new home has also unsurfaced a rather nasty side of me that I try not to feed too often - my covetedness (is that a word?). I realize I want a lot of stuff that may be unnecessary. There are so many things I want for my new place - new lamps, end tables, dining set, rugs, filing/storing bureau, media console etc... I already succumbed and purchased a couch and a chair and ottoman set (but I don't feel too bad about these purchases. Making guests sit on the floor does not for a good hostess make. Plus, after having already hosted my first house guest and a second scheduled (Yipeee!), the queen sleeper sofa is becoming quite the necessity. (Hint, hint to y'all who have been promising to visit).

Do I need all that I desire - of course not. But that doesn't make me want it any less. I'm trying to avoid the IKEA route. Sure I could fill my entire apartment with stuff and spend less than $1000, but given that I plan to be here for awhile, I want nice stuff. Things that are made of real wood and don't require retightening every 6 months.

I'm quickly starting to realize why so many people find it shocking that a 29 year old, single female has purchased her own home. It is very overwhelming. Not only the financial aspect (mortgage and maintenance!) but the overall mindfulness (running to Home Depot to purchase parts to fix my running toilet and buying a new tube for my gas range.) I am now the proud owner of a power drill and I've used it twice! In the past two weeks I have...replaced the inner guts of my toilet, replaced the gas tube behind my stove (and I didn't blow myself up!), removed some molding (with my new crobar), cut a hole in said molding to get access to an outlet, and reinstalled the molding, and installed a towel rack in the bathroom (and its straight!). I plastered a mysterious hole in the wall, spent 5 hours scrubbing every inch of my bathroom (and temporarily damaged my olfactory senses due to all the cleansing fumes - I couldn't taste or smell any foods for two days), and discovered that the grouting between the tiles in my kitchen are red clay and not black (lots of hands and knees scrubbing involved). I'm not going to call myself handy quite yet. I'm officially adding a new quality to my list of must haves for any future mate. HANDY. Oh what a joy it would be to have a partner in crime and hand him or her the drill and say - "please install this new ___ behind the closet door." I've even considered purchasing a step ladder.

This whole process has revealed so many new things about me. For instance, if I ever end up as someone's domestic partner (I don't believe in marriage or the whole wifey thing) I know that I will be the one that 1) Manages the finances, files the taxes, and deals with all external third parties, 2) Does the grocery shopping and all other essential purchasing, 3) Cooks, 4) Organize dinner parties and other social gatherings, and 5) Does the dishes. I like doing all these things (or at a minimum - none pose a challenge to me). My mate will hopefully take upon the responsibilities of 1) Cleaning and laundry, 2) Fixing things, 3) Moving heavy objects, and 4) Keeping me calm (I'm unfortunately highly excitable).

Come see what I'm talking about - my new red sofa is being delivered on Friday, July 1.

I'M IN!!!

I'M IN...

More details coming soon.

I'm shameless

I'm shameless
Originally uploaded by jboylee.

Just more proof that I'll do anything to make a cute boy laugh.

Ain't he a cute. J is the son of my dear friend LB.

This picture demonstrates the extent of my maternal instincts.

Live 8

Have any of you seen the line ups for the upcoming Live 8 concerts being coordinated by Bob "Do they know it's Christmas all" Geldof? Well, here it is. Notice anything funny?

Hyde Park, London: Coldplay, The Killers, Velvet Revolver, Bob Geldof, The Cure, Mariah Carey, Dido, Keane, Snow Patrol, Elton John, Annie Lennox, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Razorlight, Snoop Dogg, Sting, U2, Joss Stone, Stereophonics, REM, Scissor Sisters, Muse, Robbie Williams.

Ben Franklin Parkway, Philadelphia: Will Smith, Bon Jovi, The Dave Matthews Band, Stevie Wonder, Jay-Z, Puff Daddy, Il Divo, Maroon 5, Rob Thomas, Keith Urban, 50 Cent, Sarah McLachlan, Kaiser Chiefs.

Circus Maxmimus, Rome: Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Duran Duran, Jovan Otti, Nek, Laura Pausini, Vasco Rossi, Zucchero.

Brandenburg Gate, Berlin: A-Ha, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Lauryn Hill, Brian Wilson, Bap, Die Toten Hosen, Peter Maffay.

Eiffel Tower, Paris: Jamiroquai, Placebo, Youssou N'Dour, Andrea Docelli, Craig David, Calo Gero, Kyo, Yannick Noah, Axelle Red, Johnny Hallyday, Manu Chao, Renaud.

So London gets The Killers, Keane, Annie Lennox and REM and Philly gets Bon Jovi and Rob Thomas...that just doesn't seem very fair. Oh course at least Philly ain't Rome, Paris, or Berlin... Tim McGraw? A-Ha? Jamiroquai? I never knew country was so big in Rome.

I won't be attending (unless of course Radiohead decides to make a surprise visit to Ben Franklin Parkway) but I just thought the disparaties between the different locales was hilarious!

Aye

Ever notice that a person seems a lot less threatening if you find out they are from Canada.

Alanis Morrisette
Dan Aykroyd
Michael J. Fox
Wayne Gretsky
Alex Trebek
Mike Myers
Pamela Anderson
Chong of 'Cheech and Chong'
The entire cast of 'Kids in the Hall'

Just to name a few.

Ditto when you find out someone is vegetarian or vegan. Especially if their name happens to be 'Dennis Kuchinich'

What are you proud of?

Here's my most recent crazy thought: The reason all those white folks in the middle of the country are crazy, rabid patriots is because they have very little else to be proud about. Now before y'all jump down my throat and call me classist, hear me out. We minorities have it easy, we get to be vocally proud about our ethnic heritage and no one bats an eye.

For example:

If I were to say:

"I'm a loud, obnoxious, opinonated Korean-American woman and damn it, I'm proud."

Not so offensive, right?


Now, what if a 6' 1" 19 yo Caucasian man from Indiana were to say:

"I'm a loud, obnoxious, opinonated white man and damn it, I'm proud."

Kinda Klu Klux Klan, don't you think?


As I see it, all people feel a need to be proud about something. Whether it be their ehtnicity, their talents, their possessions, or what not? Society tells us we can only be so proud about our talents and possessions. If you're too proud of your talents, you come off seeming egotistical and narcassistic. Too proud about your possessions and you seem shallow and greedy. But if you are proud of your heritage...well, you are an upstanding member of your community, someone who respects their roots...provided you're a minority.

So what is a poor white person to do? Turn white pride into USA pride...doesn't it make sense? And in their minds white = USA, so at the end of the day it's all the same thing.

But y'all are probably thinking, what about those white people who aren't all USA crazy? Well, not all minorities are crazy homeland heads, are they? You don't see me walking around speaking Foblish and hanging out with exclusively korean people, do you? I think its a matter of context and priorities. Those people who have other pursuits in life and other ways of feeling like valuable members of society don't have to necessarily resort to extreme pride in something as uncontrollable as talent or ethnicity or superficial as possessions.

These are my own opinions. Hopefully I won't be killed by a KKK member.

Emotionally Retarded

This quote made me laugh.

"People are astonishingly intellectually and physically capable, but we're emotional retards. Luckily you don't have to be good at relationships to have a good relationship."

- Alice Wu

Crash into Me

You've probably encountered a myriad of reviews extolling the merits of the movie Crash. Well, given my overall skepticism about Hollywood's ability to effectively address issues of race relations in the unmelting pot of America, I approached the movie with great wariness this past weekend. I'm glad to say I was proven wrong (as I so frequently am.) Crash was easily one of the best films I'd seen in many years. It's a clever film, interweaving the complex stories of varying characters in and around L.A with subtlety and finesse. I'm not in complete agreement with most critics (most who happen to be white) who are in a frenzy to extol the bravery and honesty of the movies portrayal of racism and intolerance in America. Other than repeatedly reminding us that "Everybody is a little bit racist, sometimes." (borrowing from Avenue Q) - except for Latinos, the movie does little to nullify or break with traditional racial stereotypes. According to the movie:

White people are afraid of black people and think every black person in a position of power got there through preferential treatment. Rich white people are rude.
Asian people are secretive and furtive and bad drivers.
Persian/Middle Eastern people are angry and their wives are subservient to their husbands.
Black people are druggies, thugs, and carry guns or if they are successful they have sold out and are essentially oreos. (Sidebar: Well acculturated black people are called oreos. Why not ring dings or yodels? Those are all black on the outside and white on the inside. And what do you call a white person who wants to be black? And white men who have an asian fetish?)
Latino people are all former gang bangers or maids and they send their kids to catholic school.

The only real fact the movie got right is that guns are really easy to get in this country.

It's not so much the honesty of the movie that makes it superb, the true strength of the movie lies in the storytelling itself. The movie is able to develop and maintain the distinct identities of nearly a dozen different characters without getting muddled or lost. No character is wholly good and no character is wholly bad. Each character has a moment of nobility and each has a moment of cruelty. The real message communicated in the movie is this: Humans cannot live in isolation. We are each creatures of touch, connection, and community. We crave touch. Touch allows us to maintain our humanity. It is when we deny our natural instinct to commune with others that we lose our empathetic abilities and we are capable of committing very bad acts.

Crash gets 5 Skittles out of 5 (that's the full rainbow of flavor.)

Fun Survey

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Bo
Birthday:	Oct. 20
Birthplace:	Chun Ju, South Korea
Current Location:	New York City
Eye Color:	Dark Brown
Hair Color:	Black
Height:	5' 6"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Mostly Right, Sometimes Left
Your Heritage:	Korean
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Started in kitten heels, ended in flip flops
Your Weakness:	Cute shoes and nerdy/artsy boys
Your Fears:	Any harm coming to my loved ones
Your Perfect Pizza:	New York City style with onions, peppers, and olives
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Compiling and publishing my chapbook
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Mmmmmmm
Your Best Physical Feature:	Eyes
Your Bedtime:	Between 11PM - 1AM
Your Most Missed Memory:	Huh?
Pepsi or Coke:	Cherry Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Neither
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Snapple
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Neither
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Neither
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Like a sailor
Do you Sing:	All the time
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	Again?
Do you want to get Married:	Maybe
Do you belive in yourself:	Yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Unfortunately, all the time
Do you think you are Attractive:	Yes
Are you a Health Freak:	Occassionally
Do you get along with your Parents:	Most of the time
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love them
Do you play an Instrument:	Yes
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	No
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	A whole box? No...but I have had a couple
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Sorta, veggie sushi
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Sadly, no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Almost
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	No
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
How do you want to Die:	I'm too superstitious to answer this
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Still changing
What country would you most like to Visit:	New Zealand or South Africa
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Grey
Favourite Hair Color:	Black-Brown
Short or Long Hair:	Short
Height:	5' 10" +
Weight:	Doesn't matter but ideally proportionate +/- a couple of lbs
Best Clothing Style:	Pulled together casual
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Illegal - none
Number of CDs I own:	Close to 500
Number of Piercings:	8
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Natural Highs

Whilst reading the funtastic blog of my dear KLo, I came across this lovely list. It was wonderful so I "borrowed" it from her. KLo is just about the spunkiest, most spirited, heart-warming gal not on this side of the pond. I love ya babe!

Natural Highs

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16. Finding a 20 pound note in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Sitting on the cool sand at my favourite beach and watching the stars from afar.
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful!!
23. Laughing at an inside joke.
24. Friends.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizingthat some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's faceas they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Shore up the anchor...

I'm just about to kick off what should be a fun three day weekend! Much merriment is planned.

On the docket is:

1. One wedding - it's a very romantic story. The much desired ES is finally gettin hitched. The timeline...Nov 2004 - Met Mr. Right through a mutual friend. Feb. 2005 - Got Engaged. March 2005 - Moved to Phoenix to be with Mr. Right. May 2005 - Getting hitched in NJ. As ES said, "When you find the one you just know it. Plus, I'm pushing 35 and he's pushing 40 and we ain't gettin any younger." LOL!

2. Two friends - Catching up the lovely EC from San Francisco (soon to be from Princeton.) She's in town home hunting. Also spending some good quality time with LB and maybe baby JB.

3. Three days off - Gotta love the patriotism some times.

4. Four calling birds

5. Golden rings

Seriously though...it should be a fun weekend.

Onto other matters...I've been busier than a banshee surrounded by a bunch of waxy eyed men. Here's the scoop:

- I started teached at CUNY (City University of NY) as an adjunct prof. a few months back for a little extra $$. I also started teaching undergrad online courses for the U of Phoenix (Yes, THAT U of P). Mostly management and leadership courses. It's been fun and challenging and good for the bank account. But it's been eating up A LOT of my free evening time. Pooh!

- The work in the apartment is almost complete. The living & dining rooms are lemon souffle yellow, the ceiling is white, the kitchen has new cabinets, the floor is sanded, the molding is almost up, the bedroom is minty green, and I'm ready to set a date to move in. I'm aiming for June 9. Oh so close...so close.

- Lots of work for Dancewave. Their big Spring Celebration is coming up in two weeks. I stopped in on rehearsals a couple of days ago whilst heading to a fund raising planning meeting. The kids looked great! If you are in town on June 9 (the day I move!) give me a holler and I'll get you tickets. The ED and I have been doing some really great brain crunching to plan for the next years fund raising goals and strategy. I love helping the organization in this capacity. It's so fulfilling.

- I finally started work on my chapbook about a month ago. I've taken high resoultion digital images of five of my paintings, and I'm currently shopping around for a high quality scanner that I can use to scan my B&W and other prints. I'm sorting through about 100 or so old poems and writings and trying to select about two dozen for the book - I'll probably end up writing more over the summer. Right now the chapbook is titled "This Woman". I'm using a painting I did about 1.5 years ago (some of you might have seen it) for the cover art (it's red and black and has crazy hair) and my poem "This Woman" will be the opening piece in the book. I'm currently debating whether I should go the old Kinko's route when I get them printed or go to one of those independent publishing houses where you pay em about $1000 and they'll print 200 copies of your bound book. Hopefully I'll have something completed by this fall. At this point, the only sales opportunities I would have would be after one of my very occassional performances at poetry slams and other readings. I'm seriously on the look out for a photography collective I can join. I find this to be the most effective way to get my art work seen and evaluated. Have any of you ever created a chapbook before. Do you have any suggestions?

- I've been flirting with the boys lately but nothing really serious has come of it. Just me having some fun kissing and dancing and playing some very bad pool and bowling.

- Oh! and work has been kicking my butt lately (but in a good way).

(I'm knocking on wood right now.)

Have a good weekend y'all!

May is National Masturbation Month

I realize that May is almost over but I would feel that I failed all of you if I didn't acknowledge that May is National Masturbation Month.

What with my recent exploits at Home Depot and this months celebrations, it seems I'm in quite the D.I.Y (do it yourself) frame of mind.

Get your freak on...with yourself. I wanna see some mischeveous grins out there.

Campaign for Real Beauty

I know there are commerical motivations behind this campaign but it doesn't make me love it any less...

Campaign for Real Beauty

Makes me want to abandon my beloved Clinique for some Dove.

Damn! It's working.

Signs that I'm growing up...but not too much

Last night, I shut down the Home Depot!

That's right, I was at Home Depot until 12:30 AM purchasing cabinets, light switch plates, outlets, cabinet door fixtures, handles, and other things that I don't really know how to use. I also got into a semi-tiff with an old jewish couple who kept trying to steal away my cabinet guy at 10:42pm.

I would have never seen myself in a million years walking around Home Depot at 11:45pm on a Monday night with a short, mexican contractor in toe buying construction products.

Here's another thing I learned: Credit Card companies do keep a record of your purchasing habits. I had to go through 3 credit cards before one was accepted. Apparantly $2000+ worth of home improvement purchases on a Monday night raise "stolen card" red flags. Now I have to deal with a bunch of "We think your card might have been stolen yesterday" calls. Better safe then sorry, I suppose.

But I'm not too groweded up...After arriving home, I had two wedges of laughing cow cheese and some leftover dumplings for dinner. Oh, and a handful of raisin bran cereal. and a peach.

I heart New York

It seems inevitable that all New Yorkers, at some point, go through a "I need to leave NYC" phase. I went through it, so did AI...and now it looks like a slew of others are jonesing to get the hell outta dodge for a couple o' years. I say go for it.

New York is fantabulous but it occassionally takes a few months, years, decades away to remember why. The constant milling and energy and palpable grittiness can really get under a person's skin if you don't seek the occassional respite. Of course, when it's sunny and 75 degrees and low humidity, I can't think of a better place to be.

I heart New York. Although, a winter home in Costa Rica wouldn't hurt either.

Bigger thunking

What if...

Everything happened exactly as it should.
We had absolute faith in the goodness of the world.
We believed we were well taken care of.
Solace could be found in every corner of our lives, if only we asked.
We ate warm double chocolate chip cookies with impunity.

???

Swinging for both teams

Although it's been some time since I've "hung out" with the ladies I know that part of me is still alive and kicking. I was at the gym this weekend and some dude left behind a copy of the Maxim Hot 100 on the elliptical machine. Damn, that is just one fine piece of literature!

I heart the girls...and the boys.
Sigh....

Why Sade Rocks!

With all the drama that's happened to my family in the last few years, it's pretty easy to become bitter and jaded about the world. That's why it's good to have something that reminds you of what the world is really about...or should be about.

It's Only Love That Gets You Through
by Sade

Girl you are rich even with nothing
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And get no gain

It's down a rugged road you've come
Though you had every reason
You didn't come undone
Somehow you made it to the other side
You didn't suffer in vain

You forgive those who have trespassed against you
And you know tenderness comes from pain
It's amazing how you love
And love is kind and love can give
And love needs no gain

You didn't suffer in vain
You know it's only love
That gets you through
Only love, it's only love
It's only love that gets you through

From the NY Times

The NY Times has been running a very interesting series examining class in America.

http://www.nytimes.com/pages/national/class/index.html?hp

Having started my life somewhere very close to the bottom and somehow having made my way much closer to the top, I'm quite intrigued by the whole concept of class and its influence on a person's sense of self.

In other NY Times goodness, some interesting theories on my favorite topic...the female orgasm.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/17/science/17orga.html?incamp=article_popular_1

Either I've got a stomach virus or I'm feeling sympathy pain for my mother. I've been SICK for the last four days. I'm thinking its partially the stress of everything that's been happening and also probably a very small virus that has been magnified by everything else.

On a bright note...I think my mom is in the clear. She's eating little bits and she can stand and brush her teeth. She insisted on putting curlers in her hair because her hair was such a mess and she was joking about how she can't leave the house - not because it would sully her reputation, but because it would damage my dads. People will think my dad beat her or something.

And to put everything into perspective, yesterday my mom said:

"What? This isn't serious. I'll tell you what is serious. The Korean War was serious. That was tragic. This, not so much." (I'm somewhat paraphrasing but you get the meaning.)

Probably adding to the stress somewhat, my contractor began work on my apartment on Monday - and they painted the walls yesterday! Yellow!

You must experience great sorrow to appreciate great joy

I'm so conflicted now. It's been about 19 hours since my mom's attack. She's severly nauseaus, vomiting everything she tries to take in, and EXTERMELY battered. It's hard to look at her without wanting to cry and/or go out and hunt down the people that did this to her. But she hasn't lost consciousness...and if she continues in this vain, she's in the clear. Just several weeks of recovery and rest.

They say you have to experience great sorrow to appreciate great joy...or rather because of the worlds system of checks and balance...if something really good exists, something really challenging must also exist. Well, given how friggin UNBELIEVABLE and AMAZING and KIND and LOVING my family is...I guess this string of tragic events is what it takes to counterbalance us.

2002 - My oldest sister dies in a freak accident.
2003 - My little sister is in a very bad car accident whereby the car flips over multiple times.
2004 - My dad has a heart attack
2005 - My mom

But...come on...can't we have just one year - 12 months - when no one has to be rushed to the hospital emergency room.

My decision to move back home from San Francisco was the best decision I made. I would have gone crazy if I was stuck in SF (kinda the way I got REALLY, REALLY depressed and gained 20 lbs after my dad's heart attack).

Well, the one thing all of this has proven is that my family is really tough, tight and VERY good in a times of crisis. I suppose we've had a lot of experience with tragedy.

I'm not joking when I tell y'all to turn to your nearest loved one, or pick up the phone, and tell them you love them. Then tell them why you love them. Tell them one thing that they do that makes your heart smile. Tell them one way that they have made your life better. Tell them that they mean the world to you. Then give them a kiss and a hug. And give them a good hug. Not one of those half-assed patty hugs. A hug that tells them that you are there for them, that you're not going anywhere, and that they are loved unconditionally and wholly. Hold them and feel their warmth and give thanks that they are alive. Hold them and feel their heart pound and give thanks that they exist. Hold them, feel their lungs rise and fall and give thanks that you have this moment with them.

I know all to well how scary it is to imagine life without the people you love...I've had to live the scenario far too many times...

Love Shamelessly
Love Passionately
Love Wholely
Love Consumingly
Love Consciously
Love Appreciatively
Love Tenderly
Love Generously
Love Bravely
Love Entirely
Love

Are we lucky or unlucky?

So don't freak out...are you sitting? Okay...here is some shocking news that really has me rattled...

(I've already emailed some of you about this in a very sad tone - but I'm going to share a different perspective here...a much more angry perspective.)

My mom...the lovely woman who makes you laugh with her silliness...was robbed and severly beaten on Saturday night by one or two thugs. The thugs approached her from behind as she was walking to her car after closing shop for the day. It was approximately 8pm - so still quite bright and visible - and the shopping center where my mom works is VERY busy and crowded during this time. The thugs must have been watching my mother for some time because they approached her from behind, beat her several times with a bat or pipe, knocked her down, continued to beat her once she was on the floor than stole her purse...presumably to steal the days sales. Luckily my mother is smart enough not to carry the days sales in her purse. The thiefs fled on foot and she never got a chance to clearly see who attacked her.

She's doing okay and her CAT scan came out a-okay - thank god! Praise the lord...no broken bones or permanent damage. Just a severely battered head and left arm. We'll be observing her behavior closely over the next several days...just to make sure her head injuries are not more serious. The greatest damage was inflicted on her sense of safety and freedom. Although, I can't look at her severly swollen, bruised face and not feel like crumbling into a pile of tears.

The attack however, is not the worst part of the incident. As I mentioned, the attack took place in a VERY bright, VERY crowded shopping center...with dozens of witnesses and bystanders...yet, not one person came to the assistane of my 5 foot 2 inch, 120 lb, 61 year old mother! Not one! and they didn't even bother calling 911. Apparently, they just stood and watched the whole incident. My mother had to pick herself off the ground - no one helped her, go up to a bystander, ask to borrow their cell phone and call 911 herself. She then lost consiousness and awoke in the hospital where she contacted my father. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!!! It makes me want to just give up...I'm an optimist by nature and I really do believe that people are inherently good. BUT...things like this make me really question my beliefs. WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

When did people become so callus? Am I just a fool for believing that humans really do aspire for beauty and kindness and love?

Of course, as is the fashion of my family, we are always apt to look for the silver lining. As my mom said on the way home...yes, we were able to take her home after several hours of observation in the hospital..."God was watching over me. I could have been killed or broken something." Which is completely true. One good blow to her head could have killed her. And my mother continued to say "God was watching over me like he was watching over your sister when she was in her car accident and when your dad had his heart attack." She's right of course. In the grand perspective...my family has been very lucky...not too many 61 year old women can walk away after being beaten with a bat.

Go kiss your nearest loved one. And realize that whatever they might do that upsets you is nothing compared to the pain that would be caused if they were ripped from your life.

Inspiration

I found this little poem and thought it was quite wise...

If you can sit quietly after difficult news,
If in financial downtimes you can remain perfectly calm,
If you can love unconditionally and see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealousy,
If you can happily eat whatever is put on your plate,
And if you can fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill,
If you can always find contentment wherever you are,
you are probably a dog.

Rousing the masses

Note: I'm on a flight and have little else to do then write a rather rambling, self-indulgent post. I'll post this once I land. Read at your own risk. I forgot my book at home...and I'm to cheap to purchase one from the airport gift store.

It's always interesting to see which of my posts will rouse the masses. Apparently my last couple of posts about dating and boys and "my type" seemed to have stirred many of you up! It's also interesting to note that most all of y'all prefer to email me your comments rather than post them here. It's all good. Although, it is a little humbling to be reminded of how many of you actually read this. In my little world of self-denial I like to think only 6 people read this - EC, NG, SS, EF, KL, and AI.

Your responses were highly amusing. They ranged from comparing me to various members of the Sex and the City cast (comments which were more or less lost on me given that I've never watched a single episode of the show) to asking me question such as "Okay, so who is Mr. Right then and how do you know?" and "And why do you need defense mechanisms in the first place?"

About 5 or 6 years ago a girlfriend and I decided to do a little experiment...we wrote exhaustive lists about what our "ideal" mate would look like (and I'm not just talking about physical aesthetics). The thought was that we'd tuck these lists away and revisit them once we've found "the one" and compare what we have with what we thought we wanted. Well, neither one of us is married yet or even in long term relationships. I still have my list. It's in one of my old journals, packed neatly away in a box sitting in storage in my parent’s garage. I don't actually recall what I put on my list. I do remember that at the time that I created the list I surprised myself in that there were few if any superficial qualities - ie: physical qualities, material achievements - on the list. I always assumed I was a pretty superficial person...at least that was my dating pattern up to that point...that list helped clarify what I wanted and needed in a relationship and helped me mature and expand my approach to mating and dating. It also helped pull me out of some seriously dangerous dating habits I'd adopted. The only four items on the list that I can remember (and I know the list has 40+ items on it) are

1) Validates me, who I am currently, and who I want to become.
2) Artistic Aesthetic - Doesn't have to be an artist per say but should be able to appreciate and value the enormous contributions art makes to society.
3) Spiritual Awareness - Doesn't have to be a Christian but probably won't be an atheist. Agnostic is okay. Just needs to realize that there is something greater, more wonderful, that exists beyond the boundaries of his/her own flesh.
4) Kindness and Empathy - Has the capacity to feel sorrow for someone other then themselves and would never kick a puppy.

I like the fact that those are the only 4 that I can remember. Maybe these are the only four that really count.

Some of you know what my physical preferences are - tall, sinewy, kinda on the Jewishy looking side, dark hair (preferably slightly curly) - but as I grow older I realize that these things don't matter as much to me - goodness knows I've been attracted to people on occasion who completely defy this aesthetic. In a crowded room I don't deny that I'll make a beeline for the tall, sinewy, Jewish boy but on a day to day basis, it’s the soul that attracts me the most.

At the end of the day, I know I protect myself because I love and care too deeply. WOW, that sounds incredibly egotistical. Let me rephrase. All my life, whatever it is that I love and have a passion for, I throw my whole self into it...I give myself completely. That's why I'm so busy. I love yoga - so I became a yoga teacher and immersed myself in its teachings. I love music - so I took voice lessons, learned to play the guitar and piano, and sing whenever I get an opportunity. I love volunteering - so I volunteer regularly and have now upped the anty by joining a board. I love photography and painting - and have thus pursued graduate level course work in both areas. That's what I do. I'm a pitta dosha. I'm kinda extreme. And that is the way I love people too. I LOVE my friends. I love y'all. But friends are kinda safe. I'm not sharing a bed with you - well, not most of you anyway. I know that when I do allow myself to fall in love - I have a tendency to lose myself in the falling. It's a scary thing to know about oneself. That's why I have to feel really safe to allow myself to fall in love. I really am that deliberate...I have to allow myself to fall in love...but when I do, there is very little I can do to stop the process. Unfortunately, the few times when I have allowed myself, things didn't work out and I was more than crushed. As strong as I appear, it really is quite easy to destroy me. A word, a phrase, a look can make me crumble. And for that reason, I protect my heart fiercely...sometimes too fiercely.

So that's it I guess. That's it. Two strikes so far in the category of Bo's heart. Maybe third time will be the charm.

Most heartening compliment

The best thing a person can tell me is that I made them laugh. It delights me to no extent to see someone laugh. Laughter is a gift and the fact that someone would share their joy with me melts me. Thanks for your email this morning AI!

You can't help smile back when someone smiles at you. It's like that sillytacular video by the Dave Matthews Band a few years back - the one with the huggy guy.

I don't think I have a particularly good sense of humor or that I'm all that funny. I just think I'm really quirky and have a rather random take on life. I'm also pretty shameless...that tends to help.

Lessons from this weekend

It's pointless to try and guess what god has in store for you.

Safety pins are good things to keep handy.

Squid ink is best in moderation. And don't wear white.

Yuba is yummy!

My dad sure does know how to pout and act like a little kicked puppy sometimes.

Karaoke with the family is fun!

It's good to have buddies.

Spring is indeed in the air!

Despite how very cold it is outside, spring is indeed in the air! How else to explain all the cute boys that seem to have appeared out of thin air? It seems that I am not the only one flirting with the precarious brew of multi-boy dating. You know who you are, don't be shy. It's all good girl! ;-)

Oh to be a liberated woman in the 21st century! Yes, I know what all of you are thinking.

Bo's Friends: "Bo, you said you weren't going to do this anymore. What about the whole finding your soulmate thing?"

Well, so long as all parties involved know it's a casual fling, what harm is there? I say. Plus, I did the whole leaping and opening my heart thing. And most all of y'all know how THAT turned out! Just a bunch of tears, a wounded heart, and lots of fodder for some sappy poetry. I need a rebound and a little fun. Plus, I know myself well enough to know when its Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.

My only piece of advice if you attempt such tricky manueuvers: Remember to call them by the right name! LOL.

And yes, I know...it's all really a defense mechanism. My callus approach to relationships IS my way of protecting what is otherwise a very soft, vulnerable, paper thin heart. Oh well...what am I gonna do about that?

Don't feed the animals

In particular, don't feed them sugar before 10AM. I made the mistake of eating a muffin for breakfast this morning...something I rarely do. I like protein in the morning or at a minimum bran flakes. Something substantive. Now I'm bouncing off the walls. I wrote an email to a friend this morning whilst high on sugar...here's just a little sneak into what she got.

"Mortgage, responsibility...I'm feeling old. Well, not really. I still feel rather stupid and young and silly. Does that feeling ever leave? I half believe that if you checked behind my ears, I'd still be a little green. I'd be the cantaloupe you leave behind because you can't hear the seeds when you shake me. The underripe kiwi that feel like a fuzzy hockey puck. But I have all the trappings of an old person - debt up the ying yang. Not to be confused with the Ying Yang Twins. I don't have a pimp cup. Well, not yet anyway. But I'm working on it."

Poor friend who will receive that email.

Here's another tip for the day - courtesy of a friend of a friend.

Learn to read poetry or better yet, write your own. You'll immediately gain the reputation of being a good kisser.

A poem that I can't seem to finish

On occasion I'll write a fragment of a poem that I then can't finish. It's like flicking through the radio, hearing a segment of a great song and then being unable to find the station again. It's frustrating. This stanza was written nearly three months ago...and I can't for the life of me finish it. It has so much potential to be a wonderful poem but it doesn't seem to want closure.

You

Tender is where you touched me in
a shuttered windowed room.
I will always hold a delicate space
for you in my heart.
How often I crave to hear you whisper…

“Beloved, Beloved, Beloved…My Beloved.”

Why I believe the world is trying to tell me something

Ever since my mid-twenties "change" when I went from corporate ladder climber to self-actualization victim, I have consistently attracted a certain type. Here are some of the typical characteristics:

White
Suburban Upper-Middle Class raised
Artist-leaning: actor, performance artist, musician, painter, photographer etc...
Early thirties
Found Buddhism and yoga in his mid-to-late twenties
Tinkerer, crafty, do-it-yourself, creator of things
Have experience kissing girls AND boys
Can't imagine living anywhere but NYC or some other metropolitan locale but also wants to live in the jungle or the woods
Highly amused by Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

This weekend's tryst was no exception. What's wrong with me?

Gritty

One of the reasons I love New York City is that regardless of how much money flows through its canyons or how many Jimmy Choo heeled socialites scamper for a reservation at Per Se, there is a constant underlying grittiness that cannot be ignored. You can't live in New York and not be humbled by poverty, homelessness, mental anguish, and the implications of sexual and psychological exploitation. New York City, for all of its glitterata and pretentious culture, is a constant war zone of failed dreams and their bitter consequences.

We, as a nation, seem to feel entitled to live in communities that are so hermetically sealed it becomes easy to ignore the suffering and pain that is the reality of so many of the earth's inhabitants. We should not desire to live in such luxury. To crave the well-manicured lawns and sidewalks of the "All-American" suburb is to willfully erase the suffering of billions of people. It is apathy personified.

New York reminds me to be humble, it reminds me to be thankful for what I have, it challenges me to fight for social and economic justice for all. New York City is that constant whisper that encourages me to remain compassionate and empathetic.

More dreams

The intense, animated dreams keep on coming. Last night was the fourth crazy dream I've had in as many days. It involved boiling water, airplane flights, and the same ex I mentioned in the previous dream. I don't recall all the details but it was very emotional and dramatic.

The downside to all of this dreamworld exercise is that I wake up in the morning exhausted and feeling strung out.