Note: I'm on a flight and have little else to do then write a rather rambling, self-indulgent post. I'll post this once I land. Read at your own risk. I forgot my book at home...and I'm to cheap to purchase one from the airport gift store.
It's always interesting to see which of my posts will rouse the masses. Apparently my last couple of posts about dating and boys and "my type" seemed to have stirred many of you up! It's also interesting to note that most all of y'all prefer to email me your comments rather than post them here. It's all good. Although, it is a little humbling to be reminded of how many of you actually read this. In my little world of self-denial I like to think only 6 people read this - EC, NG, SS, EF, KL, and AI.
Your responses were highly amusing. They ranged from comparing me to various members of the Sex and the City cast (comments which were more or less lost on me given that I've never watched a single episode of the show) to asking me question such as "Okay, so who is Mr. Right then and how do you know?" and "And why do you need defense mechanisms in the first place?"
About 5 or 6 years ago a girlfriend and I decided to do a little experiment...we wrote exhaustive lists about what our "ideal" mate would look like (and I'm not just talking about physical aesthetics). The thought was that we'd tuck these lists away and revisit them once we've found "the one" and compare what we have with what we thought we wanted. Well, neither one of us is married yet or even in long term relationships. I still have my list. It's in one of my old journals, packed neatly away in a box sitting in storage in my parent’s garage. I don't actually recall what I put on my list. I do remember that at the time that I created the list I surprised myself in that there were few if any superficial qualities - ie: physical qualities, material achievements - on the list. I always assumed I was a pretty superficial person...at least that was my dating pattern up to that point...that list helped clarify what I wanted and needed in a relationship and helped me mature and expand my approach to mating and dating. It also helped pull me out of some seriously dangerous dating habits I'd adopted. The only four items on the list that I can remember (and I know the list has 40+ items on it) are
1) Validates me, who I am currently, and who I want to become.
2) Artistic Aesthetic - Doesn't have to be an artist per say but should be able to appreciate and value the enormous contributions art makes to society.
3) Spiritual Awareness - Doesn't have to be a Christian but probably won't be an atheist. Agnostic is okay. Just needs to realize that there is something greater, more wonderful, that exists beyond the boundaries of his/her own flesh.
4) Kindness and Empathy - Has the capacity to feel sorrow for someone other then themselves and would never kick a puppy.
I like the fact that those are the only 4 that I can remember. Maybe these are the only four that really count.
Some of you know what my physical preferences are - tall, sinewy, kinda on the Jewishy looking side, dark hair (preferably slightly curly) - but as I grow older I realize that these things don't matter as much to me - goodness knows I've been attracted to people on occasion who completely defy this aesthetic. In a crowded room I don't deny that I'll make a beeline for the tall, sinewy, Jewish boy but on a day to day basis, it’s the soul that attracts me the most.
At the end of the day, I know I protect myself because I love and care too deeply. WOW, that sounds incredibly egotistical. Let me rephrase. All my life, whatever it is that I love and have a passion for, I throw my whole self into it...I give myself completely. That's why I'm so busy. I love yoga - so I became a yoga teacher and immersed myself in its teachings. I love music - so I took voice lessons, learned to play the guitar and piano, and sing whenever I get an opportunity. I love volunteering - so I volunteer regularly and have now upped the anty by joining a board. I love photography and painting - and have thus pursued graduate level course work in both areas. That's what I do. I'm a pitta dosha. I'm kinda extreme. And that is the way I love people too. I LOVE my friends. I love y'all. But friends are kinda safe. I'm not sharing a bed with you - well, not most of you anyway. I know that when I do allow myself to fall in love - I have a tendency to lose myself in the falling. It's a scary thing to know about oneself. That's why I have to feel really safe to allow myself to fall in love. I really am that deliberate...I have to allow myself to fall in love...but when I do, there is very little I can do to stop the process. Unfortunately, the few times when I have allowed myself, things didn't work out and I was more than crushed. As strong as I appear, it really is quite easy to destroy me. A word, a phrase, a look can make me crumble. And for that reason, I protect my heart fiercely...sometimes too fiercely.
So that's it I guess. That's it. Two strikes so far in the category of Bo's heart. Maybe third time will be the charm.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Most heartening compliment
The best thing a person can tell me is that I made them laugh. It delights me to no extent to see someone laugh. Laughter is a gift and the fact that someone would share their joy with me melts me. Thanks for your email this morning AI!
You can't help smile back when someone smiles at you. It's like that sillytacular video by the Dave Matthews Band a few years back - the one with the huggy guy.
I don't think I have a particularly good sense of humor or that I'm all that funny. I just think I'm really quirky and have a rather random take on life. I'm also pretty shameless...that tends to help.
You can't help smile back when someone smiles at you. It's like that sillytacular video by the Dave Matthews Band a few years back - the one with the huggy guy.
I don't think I have a particularly good sense of humor or that I'm all that funny. I just think I'm really quirky and have a rather random take on life. I'm also pretty shameless...that tends to help.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Lessons from this weekend
It's pointless to try and guess what god has in store for you.
Safety pins are good things to keep handy.
Squid ink is best in moderation. And don't wear white.
Yuba is yummy!
My dad sure does know how to pout and act like a little kicked puppy sometimes.
Karaoke with the family is fun!
It's good to have buddies.
Safety pins are good things to keep handy.
Squid ink is best in moderation. And don't wear white.
Yuba is yummy!
My dad sure does know how to pout and act like a little kicked puppy sometimes.
Karaoke with the family is fun!
It's good to have buddies.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Spring is indeed in the air!
Despite how very cold it is outside, spring is indeed in the air! How else to explain all the cute boys that seem to have appeared out of thin air? It seems that I am not the only one flirting with the precarious brew of multi-boy dating. You know who you are, don't be shy. It's all good girl! ;-)
Oh to be a liberated woman in the 21st century! Yes, I know what all of you are thinking.
Bo's Friends: "Bo, you said you weren't going to do this anymore. What about the whole finding your soulmate thing?"
Well, so long as all parties involved know it's a casual fling, what harm is there? I say. Plus, I did the whole leaping and opening my heart thing. And most all of y'all know how THAT turned out! Just a bunch of tears, a wounded heart, and lots of fodder for some sappy poetry. I need a rebound and a little fun. Plus, I know myself well enough to know when its Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.
My only piece of advice if you attempt such tricky manueuvers: Remember to call them by the right name! LOL.
And yes, I know...it's all really a defense mechanism. My callus approach to relationships IS my way of protecting what is otherwise a very soft, vulnerable, paper thin heart. Oh well...what am I gonna do about that?
Oh to be a liberated woman in the 21st century! Yes, I know what all of you are thinking.
Bo's Friends: "Bo, you said you weren't going to do this anymore. What about the whole finding your soulmate thing?"
Well, so long as all parties involved know it's a casual fling, what harm is there? I say. Plus, I did the whole leaping and opening my heart thing. And most all of y'all know how THAT turned out! Just a bunch of tears, a wounded heart, and lots of fodder for some sappy poetry. I need a rebound and a little fun. Plus, I know myself well enough to know when its Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now.
My only piece of advice if you attempt such tricky manueuvers: Remember to call them by the right name! LOL.
And yes, I know...it's all really a defense mechanism. My callus approach to relationships IS my way of protecting what is otherwise a very soft, vulnerable, paper thin heart. Oh well...what am I gonna do about that?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Don't feed the animals
In particular, don't feed them sugar before 10AM. I made the mistake of eating a muffin for breakfast this morning...something I rarely do. I like protein in the morning or at a minimum bran flakes. Something substantive. Now I'm bouncing off the walls. I wrote an email to a friend this morning whilst high on sugar...here's just a little sneak into what she got.
"Mortgage, responsibility...I'm feeling old. Well, not really. I still feel rather stupid and young and silly. Does that feeling ever leave? I half believe that if you checked behind my ears, I'd still be a little green. I'd be the cantaloupe you leave behind because you can't hear the seeds when you shake me. The underripe kiwi that feel like a fuzzy hockey puck. But I have all the trappings of an old person - debt up the ying yang. Not to be confused with the Ying Yang Twins. I don't have a pimp cup. Well, not yet anyway. But I'm working on it."
Poor friend who will receive that email.
Here's another tip for the day - courtesy of a friend of a friend.
Learn to read poetry or better yet, write your own. You'll immediately gain the reputation of being a good kisser.
"Mortgage, responsibility...I'm feeling old. Well, not really. I still feel rather stupid and young and silly. Does that feeling ever leave? I half believe that if you checked behind my ears, I'd still be a little green. I'd be the cantaloupe you leave behind because you can't hear the seeds when you shake me. The underripe kiwi that feel like a fuzzy hockey puck. But I have all the trappings of an old person - debt up the ying yang. Not to be confused with the Ying Yang Twins. I don't have a pimp cup. Well, not yet anyway. But I'm working on it."
Poor friend who will receive that email.
Here's another tip for the day - courtesy of a friend of a friend.
Learn to read poetry or better yet, write your own. You'll immediately gain the reputation of being a good kisser.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
A poem that I can't seem to finish
On occasion I'll write a fragment of a poem that I then can't finish. It's like flicking through the radio, hearing a segment of a great song and then being unable to find the station again. It's frustrating. This stanza was written nearly three months ago...and I can't for the life of me finish it. It has so much potential to be a wonderful poem but it doesn't seem to want closure.
You
Tender is where you touched me in
a shuttered windowed room.
I will always hold a delicate space
for you in my heart.
How often I crave to hear you whisper…
“Beloved, Beloved, Beloved…My Beloved.”
You
Tender is where you touched me in
a shuttered windowed room.
I will always hold a delicate space
for you in my heart.
How often I crave to hear you whisper…
“Beloved, Beloved, Beloved…My Beloved.”
Monday, May 02, 2005
Why I believe the world is trying to tell me something
Ever since my mid-twenties "change" when I went from corporate ladder climber to self-actualization victim, I have consistently attracted a certain type. Here are some of the typical characteristics:
White
Suburban Upper-Middle Class raised
Artist-leaning: actor, performance artist, musician, painter, photographer etc...
Early thirties
Found Buddhism and yoga in his mid-to-late twenties
Tinkerer, crafty, do-it-yourself, creator of things
Have experience kissing girls AND boys
Can't imagine living anywhere but NYC or some other metropolitan locale but also wants to live in the jungle or the woods
Highly amused by Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs
This weekend's tryst was no exception. What's wrong with me?
White
Suburban Upper-Middle Class raised
Artist-leaning: actor, performance artist, musician, painter, photographer etc...
Early thirties
Found Buddhism and yoga in his mid-to-late twenties
Tinkerer, crafty, do-it-yourself, creator of things
Have experience kissing girls AND boys
Can't imagine living anywhere but NYC or some other metropolitan locale but also wants to live in the jungle or the woods
Highly amused by Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs
This weekend's tryst was no exception. What's wrong with me?
Gritty
One of the reasons I love New York City is that regardless of how much money flows through its canyons or how many Jimmy Choo heeled socialites scamper for a reservation at Per Se, there is a constant underlying grittiness that cannot be ignored. You can't live in New York and not be humbled by poverty, homelessness, mental anguish, and the implications of sexual and psychological exploitation. New York City, for all of its glitterata and pretentious culture, is a constant war zone of failed dreams and their bitter consequences.
We, as a nation, seem to feel entitled to live in communities that are so hermetically sealed it becomes easy to ignore the suffering and pain that is the reality of so many of the earth's inhabitants. We should not desire to live in such luxury. To crave the well-manicured lawns and sidewalks of the "All-American" suburb is to willfully erase the suffering of billions of people. It is apathy personified.
New York reminds me to be humble, it reminds me to be thankful for what I have, it challenges me to fight for social and economic justice for all. New York City is that constant whisper that encourages me to remain compassionate and empathetic.
We, as a nation, seem to feel entitled to live in communities that are so hermetically sealed it becomes easy to ignore the suffering and pain that is the reality of so many of the earth's inhabitants. We should not desire to live in such luxury. To crave the well-manicured lawns and sidewalks of the "All-American" suburb is to willfully erase the suffering of billions of people. It is apathy personified.
New York reminds me to be humble, it reminds me to be thankful for what I have, it challenges me to fight for social and economic justice for all. New York City is that constant whisper that encourages me to remain compassionate and empathetic.
More dreams
The intense, animated dreams keep on coming. Last night was the fourth crazy dream I've had in as many days. It involved boiling water, airplane flights, and the same ex I mentioned in the previous dream. I don't recall all the details but it was very emotional and dramatic.
The downside to all of this dreamworld exercise is that I wake up in the morning exhausted and feeling strung out.
The downside to all of this dreamworld exercise is that I wake up in the morning exhausted and feeling strung out.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Oversharing?
There is a quote by the buddhist Thich Nhat Hanh:
"You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her."
On occassion, I have been accused by people of oversharing or sharing my "life story" too quickly with people I have only just met. Well, it's my nature first and foremost to try and connect with people, and in order to do that I need to be willing to generously give of myself...and that includes sharing my history. I don't think I share out of an extrodinary sense of narcissism. I share with people the type of information that I would like to know about them. I guess it also helps that there is very little in my life that I am ashamed of. Everything I've done has affected who I am to date and I'm pretty happy with her and who she has the potential to become.
We all have a story to tell and I find nothing more exhilerating and exciting then sitting down and hearing someone's story and learning from them. I can spend hours upon hours listening to someone tell of their childhood, their first best friend, the first time they cried because of a broken heart, the way their mother taught them to speak, how they would lie in bed at night and tuck all the covers underneath them so that the monsters couldn't get in... It's all utterly fascinating to me. It's my belief that most people move through life unaware of how interesting, complex, and involved their emotional lives truly are. This is why so many people are dissatisfied with their current situation or position in life. If you don't know where you come from, you probably don't know where you are going - or how to change the course if it doesn't seem satisfactory.
So, if you ever find yourself with me and suddenly find yourself uncomfortable with my sharing...tough noggies. And if you want me to share more, just ask me about that time in 7th grade when I had to make a presentation in front of my English class...that moment triggered my quest to become a competent public speaker.
"You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her."
On occassion, I have been accused by people of oversharing or sharing my "life story" too quickly with people I have only just met. Well, it's my nature first and foremost to try and connect with people, and in order to do that I need to be willing to generously give of myself...and that includes sharing my history. I don't think I share out of an extrodinary sense of narcissism. I share with people the type of information that I would like to know about them. I guess it also helps that there is very little in my life that I am ashamed of. Everything I've done has affected who I am to date and I'm pretty happy with her and who she has the potential to become.
We all have a story to tell and I find nothing more exhilerating and exciting then sitting down and hearing someone's story and learning from them. I can spend hours upon hours listening to someone tell of their childhood, their first best friend, the first time they cried because of a broken heart, the way their mother taught them to speak, how they would lie in bed at night and tuck all the covers underneath them so that the monsters couldn't get in... It's all utterly fascinating to me. It's my belief that most people move through life unaware of how interesting, complex, and involved their emotional lives truly are. This is why so many people are dissatisfied with their current situation or position in life. If you don't know where you come from, you probably don't know where you are going - or how to change the course if it doesn't seem satisfactory.
So, if you ever find yourself with me and suddenly find yourself uncomfortable with my sharing...tough noggies. And if you want me to share more, just ask me about that time in 7th grade when I had to make a presentation in front of my English class...that moment triggered my quest to become a competent public speaker.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Into the dream world of Bo
I had the weirdest dream last night. Do you want to know what happened?
I typically don't dream too much - or rather - I tend not to remember my dreams save for little snippets here and there. The dreams that do stick around are the frantic ones that often wake me up in a start.
It started off with me and a certain recent ex deciding that we needed to get married in one week. I don't remember why we had to get married in one week, but there was a great sense of urgency around the whole thing. I don't think I was pregnant although there was a whole sequence involving all my various friends who are currently pregnant or mothers of babies or toddlers. I don't recall what happens in this sequence except that it is determined that I possess "Baby Whispering" skills. Kind of like being a Horse Whisperer but with babies. In any case, the frantic pace of the dream and craziness steamed not from the immediacy of the nuptuals but the fact that neither of our families had ever met and they wouldn't be meeting until the day of the wedding. We were both freaking out about this.
The day of the wedding arrives. The ceremony is being held in a big red barn on a farm somewhere in PA or OH. For whatever reason we decided not to move the animals out of the barn so the wedding guests are mingling around with the cows and pigs and sheep. Luckily, I don't think it smelled at all in the barn. (I also happen to be vegan in the dream.) The bulk of the dream involves myself and my ex (soon to be dreamworld husband) trying to distract our parents so they don't meet each other. It's a bit like a sitcom. Whenever we bump into a parent or in-law we send them on a wild goose chase. The wedding ceremony begins. My dreamworld fiance is waiting at the alter. As I begin to walk down the aisle, I notice that my exboyfriend-cum-fiance has all of a sudden sprouted a full head of thick curly brown hair (in real life he typically sports a somewhat short julius caesar like haircut and he's mildly balding). This catches me off guard. I'm equally excited to be getting married but apprehensive that our families are meeting and that my soon to be dream husband has a new head of hair. All the while the animals are lingering about minding their own business.
Cut to the honeymoon in some tropical local - Tahiti, Bora Bora - you get the idea. The entire wedding party, including guests, have joined us on the honeymoon. This doesn't bother us so much. However, it's difficult for us to find alone time.
I'm not sure what to make of this dream? Any thoughts?
I typically don't dream too much - or rather - I tend not to remember my dreams save for little snippets here and there. The dreams that do stick around are the frantic ones that often wake me up in a start.
It started off with me and a certain recent ex deciding that we needed to get married in one week. I don't remember why we had to get married in one week, but there was a great sense of urgency around the whole thing. I don't think I was pregnant although there was a whole sequence involving all my various friends who are currently pregnant or mothers of babies or toddlers. I don't recall what happens in this sequence except that it is determined that I possess "Baby Whispering" skills. Kind of like being a Horse Whisperer but with babies. In any case, the frantic pace of the dream and craziness steamed not from the immediacy of the nuptuals but the fact that neither of our families had ever met and they wouldn't be meeting until the day of the wedding. We were both freaking out about this.
The day of the wedding arrives. The ceremony is being held in a big red barn on a farm somewhere in PA or OH. For whatever reason we decided not to move the animals out of the barn so the wedding guests are mingling around with the cows and pigs and sheep. Luckily, I don't think it smelled at all in the barn. (I also happen to be vegan in the dream.) The bulk of the dream involves myself and my ex (soon to be dreamworld husband) trying to distract our parents so they don't meet each other. It's a bit like a sitcom. Whenever we bump into a parent or in-law we send them on a wild goose chase. The wedding ceremony begins. My dreamworld fiance is waiting at the alter. As I begin to walk down the aisle, I notice that my exboyfriend-cum-fiance has all of a sudden sprouted a full head of thick curly brown hair (in real life he typically sports a somewhat short julius caesar like haircut and he's mildly balding). This catches me off guard. I'm equally excited to be getting married but apprehensive that our families are meeting and that my soon to be dream husband has a new head of hair. All the while the animals are lingering about minding their own business.
Cut to the honeymoon in some tropical local - Tahiti, Bora Bora - you get the idea. The entire wedding party, including guests, have joined us on the honeymoon. This doesn't bother us so much. However, it's difficult for us to find alone time.
I'm not sure what to make of this dream? Any thoughts?
Monday, April 25, 2005
Summer music festivals
I haven't seen a decent concert in months. I couldn't get tickets to see the killers a few weeks ago, nor was I able to get tickets for the shins this past weekend. And to top it all off the Coachella Festival is this weekend.
I am sad.
I am sad.
Update on updates
Why have I been so remiss in posting?
A) I've been doing the the three step waltz with my airline of choice and racking up points for my way south of the border escapades come Christmas time. All courtesy of my clients.
B) Contractors kinda suck.
C) I'm busy kissing cute boys.
D) You can call me Professor Bo.
E) My mother has finally learned to use "the email" and she's stalking me.
F) All of the above.
A) I've been doing the the three step waltz with my airline of choice and racking up points for my way south of the border escapades come Christmas time. All courtesy of my clients.
B) Contractors kinda suck.
C) I'm busy kissing cute boys.
D) You can call me Professor Bo.
E) My mother has finally learned to use "the email" and she's stalking me.
F) All of the above.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Update
No posts for a long time...lots of stuff going on...will fill you in when I get a chance.
I leave you with this thought...
What happens when you allow an idea to die? Does it just go away or does it amply the voice that keeps you up at night?
I leave you with this thought...
What happens when you allow an idea to die? Does it just go away or does it amply the voice that keeps you up at night?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Where's that line again?
I have problems...this I know. One of those problems is that I have a tendancy to push and push and push...until I totally overstep "the line."
Well, I think I just did that! I swear, I was being good. Completely and honestly...really, really good. ;-)
But take that with a grain of salt. I am, afterall, a girl in possession of Strawberry Shortcake checks!
Well, I think I just did that! I swear, I was being good. Completely and honestly...really, really good. ;-)
But take that with a grain of salt. I am, afterall, a girl in possession of Strawberry Shortcake checks!
Monday, April 11, 2005
It was just too beautiful...
To stay indoors this weekend.
The temperature rose to over 71 degrees and I walked around in jeans, flip flops, and a tank top. It was superb. Makes a girl want to flirt and kiss cute boys.
I bumped into the beautiful, smiling AI on Saturday in Washington Square Park on the way to yoga class. What a treat! She is always so smiley and in good spirits. I'm so happy to have her in my life. I love her laugh.
On another note, I need to buy a belt. With my vegan lenten experiment and my decision to go back to being a vegetarian (more or less) I've lost about 10 lbs since late february (I also think it has something to do with the home purchasing stress I've been under lately and the amount of running I've been doing - activities that are not unrelated) - and given my overall proportions and slimmish hips, I can't seem to keep my jeans on my hips properly. Booty crack is just not very becoming and I hate stopping every 10 seconds to pull up my jeans. Where are all the good belts? I checked out four stores and all I could find were thin, elaborate, ugly ones...I just want a nice, sturdy, brown belt that is more than an inch thick.
The temperature rose to over 71 degrees and I walked around in jeans, flip flops, and a tank top. It was superb. Makes a girl want to flirt and kiss cute boys.
I bumped into the beautiful, smiling AI on Saturday in Washington Square Park on the way to yoga class. What a treat! She is always so smiley and in good spirits. I'm so happy to have her in my life. I love her laugh.
On another note, I need to buy a belt. With my vegan lenten experiment and my decision to go back to being a vegetarian (more or less) I've lost about 10 lbs since late february (I also think it has something to do with the home purchasing stress I've been under lately and the amount of running I've been doing - activities that are not unrelated) - and given my overall proportions and slimmish hips, I can't seem to keep my jeans on my hips properly. Booty crack is just not very becoming and I hate stopping every 10 seconds to pull up my jeans. Where are all the good belts? I checked out four stores and all I could find were thin, elaborate, ugly ones...I just want a nice, sturdy, brown belt that is more than an inch thick.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Me and Jesus
Okay, so this post was supposed to be some simple observation about religion and the pope's funeral/passing...I don't know at what point it became this HUGE stream of consciousness essay...read at your own peril.
As the Hollywood T-Shirt De Jour clearly proclaims...Jesus is my Homeboy! Does anyone else find it kind of ironic that these shirts are produced by a company called Teenage Millionaire and worn by stars like Demi Moore (a very public follower of the Kabbalah)? Oh religion today...what a murky pool of fun! You have the standard ones; Judaism, Muslim, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism...and the not so standard ones; Scientology, Church of Latter-Day Saints, Kabbalah, Seventh-Day Adventism, Hare Krishna, Wicca... And that's not even expanding upon the various sects within these religions...orthodox, reformed, evangelical, born-again, semi-reformed, semi-conservative, half baked, fully-baked, unevenly baked because I forgot to rotate the cookie sheet half way through the cooking time!
Did you know there was a Christian denomination called the 'Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod'? How did those Wisconsinites get there own Christian sect and how do I sign up to form my own? Apparently it's more conservative than the Catholic church. Here's a little excerpt from their website:
"The biblical principle of role relationship applies also to the gatherings of the church. All believers, men and women, will participate at gatherings of worship, prayer, Bible study, and service. The scriptural applications that a woman remain silent (1 Co 14:34) and that a woman should not teach a man (1 Ti 2:11,12) require that a woman refrain from participating in these gatherings in any way which involves authority over men."
Follow this link for more "wisdom" from the WELS church. Ahhhhhh!
And now with all the media coverage surrounding the death of Pope John Paul the II (I'm not going to comment lest my soul be condemned to purgatory)...what on earth (or heaven) is a person exploring their faith supposed to do?
I feel extremely fortunate that I grew up in a household where faith and critical thinking were heralded as equally important qualities to possess. Basically, while my parent's instilled in me a strong yearning to explore my spirituality, they were equally adamant that I don't fall prey to every peddler of snake oils and express trains to redemption. How'd I end up so lucky? I was taught that living a spiritual life is not about accepting the blanket statements of any one man or woman. I learned that calling myself a faith based person requires a constant willingness to explore, examine, and question my own belief in God (or gods), in goodness, in humility, in selflessness (and selfishness), in greed...you get the picture. My familial history with the church taught me that religion is not some simple cure all, a balm for what ails you, it's not about necessarily making your life easier and less complex. In my exploration of faith, I've come to understand that my belief in God makes my life richer, more meaningful, and more intangible. My spiritual exploration challenges me to question what I do, question how I live, question how I love and hate. It challenges me to think beyond the boundaries of my own flesh and examine the impact I have in the community and environment I play in.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbor as you love yourself." (I think I'm paraphrasing a bit there)...I suppose the superficial interpretation of that statement would be "Be loving to those around you." That's pretty harmless. But here's my radical spin on the statement. What if Jesus was trying to say "You are also your neighbor, you are in essence every person around you. And because you are every person around you, you have a responsibility to care for every person as you would care for yourself." That's a pretty tall order and not something that can easily be done.
I think it's very funny whenever I encounter religious sects that require devotees to follow a rigid system of rules and obligations...the 10 Commandments, keeping kosher, the separation of women and men in Muslim temples. Do people really believe their soul is saved or they get an express ticket to the Elysian Fields by avoiding pork, keeping vegetarian, or condemning gays? Is self-redemption and self-actualization that easy to buy? And if it is, why can't people agree on the exact rules? I'm sure I'm not the only person who would appreciate such an instruction manual.
Of course, by stating my opinion that religion forces us to question and examine, I'm not saying that all life is suffering and struggle. That life inherently involves suffering is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism and one of the reasons why I have never been able to jive with Buddhist teachings. Surely, a big component of my faith is also based on the exquisite sense of peace, fulfillment and joy I derive from my exploration. But that's the thing...faith and spirituality is not black and white, it is an ever evolving painting of vibrant and muted colors, shades and hues that we can appreciate with our senses but can't possibly begin to articulate with our limited vocabulary.
...Side bar...
I was reading the news today and came upon this quote made by a liturgical scholar. It is in reference to the late Pope John Paul's will...
"You get a feeling when you read this of a man very alone, alone with God, and agonizing over his worthiness and ability to carry out the task before him," Dr. Pham said, "and someone who despite all that places a great confidence in that divine mercy."
I find it very comforting to know that even the pope 1) questioned his worthiness before the eyes of God, and 2) that he felt alone. Those are the surest signs that the pope, at the end of the day, was human. It also provides some solace to us fools who question our own worthiness all the time.
...End side bar...
You know...for a long time I struggled with the concept of prayer. Prayer for me has always been a highly private and intimate conversation I have with the big mama. Late last year, I met a friend, who was himself, on a rather intimate journey of faith and self-definition. Through his own journey, he challenged me to think outside of the smug little faith world I encased myself in. For that I thank him entirely. In my brief encounter with him, he helped me explore my hang ups with prayer. Part of my prayer process involves the act of asking for forgiveness of the 100s of misdeeds I commit on a daily basis. I've always struggled with this aspect of prayer. Not because I believe I'm incapable of sin. I struggle because the articulation process is so extraordinary self-revealing. Then one day, during a meditation session, I came to a realization...Naming your sins is a lot like naming your thoughts during meditation. I was once taught a meditation technique involved the naming of thoughts. Whenever a thought comes into the mind, rather than getting involved with the thought, you name it and let it go. For example, if I'm thinking about a conversation I had earlier in the day, I'd name the thought "That is a thought about the past." Then I'd let it go. By articulating and distilling the thought, I'm able to let it go rather than allowing it to fester. Enumerating my sins is much the same thing. By naming my sin, I can let it go...and with that letting go I also give up the sense of unworthiness that often accompanies an act that I deem bad. We often feel bad about ourselves because we do something bad (in our minds if not in reality). Because we feel bad, we don't feel that we can have an intimate relationship with the spirit (whether it be God or our own soul)...we let these bad feelings about ourselves fester...and next thing you know we are consumed by self-doubt and loathing. But what if, by naming the misdeed...by giving it a voice, we are able to let it go...and thus feel more connected to the spirit, the soul, to our own inherent goodness. That's some pretty powerful stuff. Oh course, this observation is very western Christian centric (with just a little yogic philosophy thrown in).
I've had the great fortune of communicating with many of you about my faith journey and the fact that, on occasion, I have considered attending seminary and possibly becoming an ordained minister. Other than the fact that there aren't to many young, Asian, female ministers out there (and I'm always up for shaking things up a bit), I want to have the luxury of exploring my faith in an environment created for that sole purpose. Will I ever attend seminary? I don't know. At this point in time, considering the amount of mortgage and grad school debt I have, I don't think it's a possibility. Unless I marry rich or win the lottery, an further education is out of the question for the time being.
As the Hollywood T-Shirt De Jour clearly proclaims...Jesus is my Homeboy! Does anyone else find it kind of ironic that these shirts are produced by a company called Teenage Millionaire and worn by stars like Demi Moore (a very public follower of the Kabbalah)? Oh religion today...what a murky pool of fun! You have the standard ones; Judaism, Muslim, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism...and the not so standard ones; Scientology, Church of Latter-Day Saints, Kabbalah, Seventh-Day Adventism, Hare Krishna, Wicca... And that's not even expanding upon the various sects within these religions...orthodox, reformed, evangelical, born-again, semi-reformed, semi-conservative, half baked, fully-baked, unevenly baked because I forgot to rotate the cookie sheet half way through the cooking time!
Did you know there was a Christian denomination called the 'Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod'? How did those Wisconsinites get there own Christian sect and how do I sign up to form my own? Apparently it's more conservative than the Catholic church. Here's a little excerpt from their website:
"The biblical principle of role relationship applies also to the gatherings of the church. All believers, men and women, will participate at gatherings of worship, prayer, Bible study, and service. The scriptural applications that a woman remain silent (1 Co 14:34) and that a woman should not teach a man (1 Ti 2:11,12) require that a woman refrain from participating in these gatherings in any way which involves authority over men."
Follow this link for more "wisdom" from the WELS church. Ahhhhhh!
And now with all the media coverage surrounding the death of Pope John Paul the II (I'm not going to comment lest my soul be condemned to purgatory)...what on earth (or heaven) is a person exploring their faith supposed to do?
I feel extremely fortunate that I grew up in a household where faith and critical thinking were heralded as equally important qualities to possess. Basically, while my parent's instilled in me a strong yearning to explore my spirituality, they were equally adamant that I don't fall prey to every peddler of snake oils and express trains to redemption. How'd I end up so lucky? I was taught that living a spiritual life is not about accepting the blanket statements of any one man or woman. I learned that calling myself a faith based person requires a constant willingness to explore, examine, and question my own belief in God (or gods), in goodness, in humility, in selflessness (and selfishness), in greed...you get the picture. My familial history with the church taught me that religion is not some simple cure all, a balm for what ails you, it's not about necessarily making your life easier and less complex. In my exploration of faith, I've come to understand that my belief in God makes my life richer, more meaningful, and more intangible. My spiritual exploration challenges me to question what I do, question how I live, question how I love and hate. It challenges me to think beyond the boundaries of my own flesh and examine the impact I have in the community and environment I play in.
Jesus said "Love thy neighbor as you love yourself." (I think I'm paraphrasing a bit there)...I suppose the superficial interpretation of that statement would be "Be loving to those around you." That's pretty harmless. But here's my radical spin on the statement. What if Jesus was trying to say "You are also your neighbor, you are in essence every person around you. And because you are every person around you, you have a responsibility to care for every person as you would care for yourself." That's a pretty tall order and not something that can easily be done.
I think it's very funny whenever I encounter religious sects that require devotees to follow a rigid system of rules and obligations...the 10 Commandments, keeping kosher, the separation of women and men in Muslim temples. Do people really believe their soul is saved or they get an express ticket to the Elysian Fields by avoiding pork, keeping vegetarian, or condemning gays? Is self-redemption and self-actualization that easy to buy? And if it is, why can't people agree on the exact rules? I'm sure I'm not the only person who would appreciate such an instruction manual.
Of course, by stating my opinion that religion forces us to question and examine, I'm not saying that all life is suffering and struggle. That life inherently involves suffering is one of the basic tenets of Buddhism and one of the reasons why I have never been able to jive with Buddhist teachings. Surely, a big component of my faith is also based on the exquisite sense of peace, fulfillment and joy I derive from my exploration. But that's the thing...faith and spirituality is not black and white, it is an ever evolving painting of vibrant and muted colors, shades and hues that we can appreciate with our senses but can't possibly begin to articulate with our limited vocabulary.
...Side bar...
I was reading the news today and came upon this quote made by a liturgical scholar. It is in reference to the late Pope John Paul's will...
"You get a feeling when you read this of a man very alone, alone with God, and agonizing over his worthiness and ability to carry out the task before him," Dr. Pham said, "and someone who despite all that places a great confidence in that divine mercy."
I find it very comforting to know that even the pope 1) questioned his worthiness before the eyes of God, and 2) that he felt alone. Those are the surest signs that the pope, at the end of the day, was human. It also provides some solace to us fools who question our own worthiness all the time.
...End side bar...
You know...for a long time I struggled with the concept of prayer. Prayer for me has always been a highly private and intimate conversation I have with the big mama. Late last year, I met a friend, who was himself, on a rather intimate journey of faith and self-definition. Through his own journey, he challenged me to think outside of the smug little faith world I encased myself in. For that I thank him entirely. In my brief encounter with him, he helped me explore my hang ups with prayer. Part of my prayer process involves the act of asking for forgiveness of the 100s of misdeeds I commit on a daily basis. I've always struggled with this aspect of prayer. Not because I believe I'm incapable of sin. I struggle because the articulation process is so extraordinary self-revealing. Then one day, during a meditation session, I came to a realization...Naming your sins is a lot like naming your thoughts during meditation. I was once taught a meditation technique involved the naming of thoughts. Whenever a thought comes into the mind, rather than getting involved with the thought, you name it and let it go. For example, if I'm thinking about a conversation I had earlier in the day, I'd name the thought "That is a thought about the past." Then I'd let it go. By articulating and distilling the thought, I'm able to let it go rather than allowing it to fester. Enumerating my sins is much the same thing. By naming my sin, I can let it go...and with that letting go I also give up the sense of unworthiness that often accompanies an act that I deem bad. We often feel bad about ourselves because we do something bad (in our minds if not in reality). Because we feel bad, we don't feel that we can have an intimate relationship with the spirit (whether it be God or our own soul)...we let these bad feelings about ourselves fester...and next thing you know we are consumed by self-doubt and loathing. But what if, by naming the misdeed...by giving it a voice, we are able to let it go...and thus feel more connected to the spirit, the soul, to our own inherent goodness. That's some pretty powerful stuff. Oh course, this observation is very western Christian centric (with just a little yogic philosophy thrown in).
I've had the great fortune of communicating with many of you about my faith journey and the fact that, on occasion, I have considered attending seminary and possibly becoming an ordained minister. Other than the fact that there aren't to many young, Asian, female ministers out there (and I'm always up for shaking things up a bit), I want to have the luxury of exploring my faith in an environment created for that sole purpose. Will I ever attend seminary? I don't know. At this point in time, considering the amount of mortgage and grad school debt I have, I don't think it's a possibility. Unless I marry rich or win the lottery, an further education is out of the question for the time being.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
House warming gift to myself
In honor of my new home I've finally ordered some new checks...
Strawberry Shortcake Checks
You think I'm joking, but I'm not. AND I purchased the matching mailing labels and checkbook cover!
LOL...I AM SO EXCITED.
I'm such a girl.
Strawberry Shortcake Checks
You think I'm joking, but I'm not. AND I purchased the matching mailing labels and checkbook cover!
LOL...I AM SO EXCITED.
I'm such a girl.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
It's official!
I am now the realization of the American Dream...I'm up to my eye balls in debt!
After many, many, many, many, many months...6 to be exact...I closed on my new place today. I can now call a little 750 square foot plot of space on the island of Manhattan my very own (well, technically...since I purchased a co-op I can call 10,000 shares in the Owner Corporation my very own...but 10,000 shares is a bit difficult to snuggle up to at night.)
I'm both relieved and completely stressed-out. Relieved because it's finally done...stressed out because now I've got a whole lot of debt and I have to move...again!
But anyway, I'll be sending out an email with my new address shortly...this way, you can always find a free pull out couch to crash on when you're in the hood!
After many, many, many, many, many months...6 to be exact...I closed on my new place today. I can now call a little 750 square foot plot of space on the island of Manhattan my very own (well, technically...since I purchased a co-op I can call 10,000 shares in the Owner Corporation my very own...but 10,000 shares is a bit difficult to snuggle up to at night.)
I'm both relieved and completely stressed-out. Relieved because it's finally done...stressed out because now I've got a whole lot of debt and I have to move...again!
But anyway, I'll be sending out an email with my new address shortly...this way, you can always find a free pull out couch to crash on when you're in the hood!
Friday, April 01, 2005
Brain Experiment
It's weird to work for a think tank...There are many days when I literally sit at my desk and just think; Come up with new ways of conceiving and creating diversity, inclusion, and gender equity in the workplace. Other days I make upwards of 30 calls to various people or speak on the phone for 6 or 7 hours. I like to take copious notes on my computer when I speak on the phone. For this reason, I have one of those nifty phone headsets - kind of like an operator. The headset is designed so I can wear the ear piece on either my left or right ear. I started noticing, a few months back, that when I wear the headset on my right ear I capture far more verbatim quotes then when I wear it on my left ear. I summarize more when I'm wearing it on my left.
The difference in the quality of the notes is subtle - but as someone who is dyslexic and hypersensative to how my brain processes information - this subtle variance really surprised me. I'm sure it has something to do with the whole left brain/right brain phenomena. This got me thinking about how humans, overall, take in and process information. Would I have a different conversation with someone if they stood to the right side of me as opposed to my left? If they stand to my left side, I may not be hearing the exact words they say and instead I might be more holistic in the way I process the conversation (and I might be at risk of misinterpreting what they have to say.) If they stand to my right, I may be hearing the words but not getting the overall message. Could this be the reason why humans prefer to speak with people face to face? When you speak face to face, not only do you get to absorb all the non-verbal cues transmitted through a person's facial movements, you also receive the same volumn of information in both ears at the same time. You hear the overall message and the individual words - you get a fuller appreciation of what is being communicated.
So, what does this mean for a person who has lost hearing in one ear? Does their communication style change?
Just something to think about. Then again, my brain wiring has always been a bit crossed to begin with.
The difference in the quality of the notes is subtle - but as someone who is dyslexic and hypersensative to how my brain processes information - this subtle variance really surprised me. I'm sure it has something to do with the whole left brain/right brain phenomena. This got me thinking about how humans, overall, take in and process information. Would I have a different conversation with someone if they stood to the right side of me as opposed to my left? If they stand to my left side, I may not be hearing the exact words they say and instead I might be more holistic in the way I process the conversation (and I might be at risk of misinterpreting what they have to say.) If they stand to my right, I may be hearing the words but not getting the overall message. Could this be the reason why humans prefer to speak with people face to face? When you speak face to face, not only do you get to absorb all the non-verbal cues transmitted through a person's facial movements, you also receive the same volumn of information in both ears at the same time. You hear the overall message and the individual words - you get a fuller appreciation of what is being communicated.
So, what does this mean for a person who has lost hearing in one ear? Does their communication style change?
Just something to think about. Then again, my brain wiring has always been a bit crossed to begin with.
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