Witness to the pre-dawn

Here's my birthday poem. Please keep in mind this is only my first draft...it'll probably go through several iterations before it's any good.

Witness to the pre-dawn

Time observed mid-flight
When all seems still and lush
When the susurrus of whispers
become
Overwhelming cascades of laughter

And old men wait patiently
On corners and stools
For the inevitable passing
And the inevitable longing

Here is where we know
That love finds its home
Were Chinese neon lights flare
Into multicolor dimensions
Enticing us to come and savor
And suck marrow from the bone
_________________(Such an overused metaphor…But accurate and vivid)