Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Rousing the masses

Note: I'm on a flight and have little else to do then write a rather rambling, self-indulgent post. I'll post this once I land. Read at your own risk. I forgot my book at home...and I'm to cheap to purchase one from the airport gift store.

It's always interesting to see which of my posts will rouse the masses. Apparently my last couple of posts about dating and boys and "my type" seemed to have stirred many of you up! It's also interesting to note that most all of y'all prefer to email me your comments rather than post them here. It's all good. Although, it is a little humbling to be reminded of how many of you actually read this. In my little world of self-denial I like to think only 6 people read this - EC, NG, SS, EF, KL, and AI.

Your responses were highly amusing. They ranged from comparing me to various members of the Sex and the City cast (comments which were more or less lost on me given that I've never watched a single episode of the show) to asking me question such as "Okay, so who is Mr. Right then and how do you know?" and "And why do you need defense mechanisms in the first place?"

About 5 or 6 years ago a girlfriend and I decided to do a little experiment...we wrote exhaustive lists about what our "ideal" mate would look like (and I'm not just talking about physical aesthetics). The thought was that we'd tuck these lists away and revisit them once we've found "the one" and compare what we have with what we thought we wanted. Well, neither one of us is married yet or even in long term relationships. I still have my list. It's in one of my old journals, packed neatly away in a box sitting in storage in my parent’s garage. I don't actually recall what I put on my list. I do remember that at the time that I created the list I surprised myself in that there were few if any superficial qualities - ie: physical qualities, material achievements - on the list. I always assumed I was a pretty superficial least that was my dating pattern up to that point...that list helped clarify what I wanted and needed in a relationship and helped me mature and expand my approach to mating and dating. It also helped pull me out of some seriously dangerous dating habits I'd adopted. The only four items on the list that I can remember (and I know the list has 40+ items on it) are

1) Validates me, who I am currently, and who I want to become.
2) Artistic Aesthetic - Doesn't have to be an artist per say but should be able to appreciate and value the enormous contributions art makes to society.
3) Spiritual Awareness - Doesn't have to be a Christian but probably won't be an atheist. Agnostic is okay. Just needs to realize that there is something greater, more wonderful, that exists beyond the boundaries of his/her own flesh.
4) Kindness and Empathy - Has the capacity to feel sorrow for someone other then themselves and would never kick a puppy.

I like the fact that those are the only 4 that I can remember. Maybe these are the only four that really count.

Some of you know what my physical preferences are - tall, sinewy, kinda on the Jewishy looking side, dark hair (preferably slightly curly) - but as I grow older I realize that these things don't matter as much to me - goodness knows I've been attracted to people on occasion who completely defy this aesthetic. In a crowded room I don't deny that I'll make a beeline for the tall, sinewy, Jewish boy but on a day to day basis, it’s the soul that attracts me the most.

At the end of the day, I know I protect myself because I love and care too deeply. WOW, that sounds incredibly egotistical. Let me rephrase. All my life, whatever it is that I love and have a passion for, I throw my whole self into it...I give myself completely. That's why I'm so busy. I love yoga - so I became a yoga teacher and immersed myself in its teachings. I love music - so I took voice lessons, learned to play the guitar and piano, and sing whenever I get an opportunity. I love volunteering - so I volunteer regularly and have now upped the anty by joining a board. I love photography and painting - and have thus pursued graduate level course work in both areas. That's what I do. I'm a pitta dosha. I'm kinda extreme. And that is the way I love people too. I LOVE my friends. I love y'all. But friends are kinda safe. I'm not sharing a bed with you - well, not most of you anyway. I know that when I do allow myself to fall in love - I have a tendency to lose myself in the falling. It's a scary thing to know about oneself. That's why I have to feel really safe to allow myself to fall in love. I really am that deliberate...I have to allow myself to fall in love...but when I do, there is very little I can do to stop the process. Unfortunately, the few times when I have allowed myself, things didn't work out and I was more than crushed. As strong as I appear, it really is quite easy to destroy me. A word, a phrase, a look can make me crumble. And for that reason, I protect my heart fiercely...sometimes too fiercely.

So that's it I guess. That's it. Two strikes so far in the category of Bo's heart. Maybe third time will be the charm.