Friday, February 11, 2005

I heart Jason Mraz

What can I say? Sometimes I revert to being a 15 year old teen mall-rat. Ms. SS kindly accomplanied me to one of his concerts back in San Francisco - Oh, I felt ooooollllldddd. But I had so much fun. Anyway, I thought I'd share a bit from his blog. This post made me laugh and laugh and laugh. I heart Jason Mraz.


Valentine’s Day Advance Placement Cliff’s Notes

Okay. So I’m about to get real busy and then chase that flurry of hurry with a healthy dose of rest and relaxation, which means I may not open my computer for a solid week or so as I’ll be lost in paradise somewhere on a private tropical island in the central pacific with my imaginary Victoria’s secret model girlfriend. With that in mind I’m leaving the mainland with this advanced statement for those seeking Valentine’s Day advice.

If you’re like the former me, you’re having trouble coming to terms with the holiday around the corner. You’re wondering what you should do for your significant other, what you should buy. And I say if this is you, you’re wasting your time. Valentine’s Day is to be shared and if your partner is expecting something from you to keep the game going then they suck. If you’ve done something wrong and you think you’re big dinner plans for this Valentine’s Day are going to save your relationship than you’re still wrong. Valentine’s day is about the celebration between two people and everything they understand about each other. It is a day reserved like any other. It is one day. But it’s a day with its emphasis on appreciation. The best thing you can give your lover or long time friend is your undivided attention. Place your hands in theirs and look them in the eyes and give them a straight answer.

If you’re happily married and you already celebrate each other’s companionship daily, well, I don’t quite know what to tell you. I would say do something to surprise the other. How so? Do the opposite of your daily routine. If you watch a lot of TV, don’t. If they always make dinner, you do it. If you always drive, let them drive. If you always have to shave their back, let them do it. Carry on with life as you always would, but put yourself in their shoes for a few hours to learn more about how they contribute to the courtship.

Here are a few more specific tips to prepare for the upcoming showcase showdown.


WAKE AND BAKE.Get up early. Girls love breakfast in bed. If she has to work, wake her up in time to enjoy it. She’ll only be grumpy for a few minutes. If you don’t have a kitchen or time to cook because you’re a lazy-ass, then take her to a local hotel the night before and order room service and treat the both of you. Besides, strange places are always the kinkiest.

FLOWER POWER.People say flowers are over-rated. This is only said by those who are uncomfortable buying flowers because of other issues. Flowers put a smile on every woman’s face and will do the same for you when you get home from work and you see the same flowers at the dinner table and then later by the bed. She will remember who loves her all day long and she’ll see them and feel pretty and think she smells good because she’ll be smelling the flowers instead of that knock-off perfume you got her for Christmas.

DETAIL.So you’ve given her flowers, your honest hand and a straight answer. You still need to make her giddy all day because you paid attention to detail. -Send a postcard today that will arrive in time for Valentine’s Day. *Write something nice on it.-Leave little notes in all her usual spots, i.e. the coffee pot, the porcelain pot, the drivers’ seat of her car, the cat, your boxer shorts, etc. *Write something nice.-Make a mix tape/cd with all your favorite love making songs for her to listen to all day and attach a note that asks her to save you a dance later. Dancing can be done anywhere; in the carport, in the kitchen, on the roof, it doesn’t matter, just don’t promise her you’ll dance with her and then not. She’ll hold it over you head the rest of the year. You’ll be sorry.-Give her a bath. Not one with you in it, but draw the bath for her. Light candles. Drop in some flower petals. Use salts. Then leave. Deep down she wants to be alone. She works hard to put up with you as it is. Besides, this will give you time alone for online gambling or finishing that jig-saw puzzle you worked on all day long while she was at work. -And whatever you do, don’t tell her you got your tips from this website. She’ll think you’re gay.-If you are gay, the same rule applies. Pretend you thought long and hard about this without any help.

*If you’re completely hopeless and/or retarded, here are a few suggestions to write on the aforementioned notes/postcards. If your handwriting sucks, I give you my permission to print this out and paste it onto the parchment. Cut this section out so you won’t give away the fact that you found it online. Parchment by the way is a nice word for paper.
- You make me smile. (My personal favorite.)

- Without you, I’d probably be in jail by now.
- I love the way you love One Life to Live.
- I love how you reduce, reuse, and recycle in order to achieve a peaceful, equitable, and sustainable earth future.
- Buenos dias con amore. Lavese los manos. (Girls love a foreign tongue.)

Or use song lyrics…
- I’m yours.

- You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. (If you’re 4.)
- Hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me. (For advanced couples only)
- I adore mi amore. (I repeat: Girls love the foreign language.)
- Drop it like it’s hot.

The best thing you can do for your fella is to just let him be. He won’t know what to do without you nagging him incessantly. In fact, don’t do anything. I mean, really, does he deserve it? Let him watch TV. Let him look at porn on the Internet. Just don’t let him leave the house without you. This may be a night where you give him some peace, but it doesn’t mean he can have his peace and eat it too. He’s not to go out with the boys and forget about you because you did nothing for him. He’s to learn at home exactly what you do for him everyday. You’re distance will drive him nuts. And then just before he’s about to cry or storm out of the house, take him by the hand, look him in the eye, capture his calming heart, then kick him square in the frontal intersection of his pants and tell him if he ever tries to leave you it won’t be your foot he’s coming in contact with next time. Boys are stupid. Sometimes they need to be reminded of this. I speak on behalf of all stupid boys when I say it is you who makes this relationship work. If he hasn’t left already, you’re doing something right. Take this time to torture him for the fun sake of torturing another. -Whatever you do, don’t dare tell him that you heard this from me. I don’t need your boyfriend waiting in the alley after the show. In fact, don’t bring your boyfriend to the show next time. There are five other guys onstage with me dying to be your boyfriend that night.

Take yourself to the movies. Do something alone. Cherish the solitude and all the popcorn you can eat. Or go to dinner alone and then leave a note for the waiter/waitress. Let them know that someone is thinking of them this Valentine’s Day and that you’ll wait by their car when they get off work. This might creep them out but it’ll be your pleasure since you’ll be home asleep long before they have to be escorted to their car later that night in fear of you.

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