"You speak English so well."
Me: "Yes, do you need any help with your English?"
"Where are you from?"
Me: "New York."
"No, where are you really from?"
"No, no, I mean where were you born?"
Me: Queens (Which is not true but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.)
FYI...if you are ever curious about someone's origin, a much more acceptable question would be "What is your ethnic heritage?" Of course, this one is also a bit of a minefield. It's best to avoid the question all together and wait for the person to volunteer the information.
"English is the official language of the US."
Me: "Ummm, no it's not. We don't have an official language."
"I think I hear an accent."
Me: "Yes, it is the accent of intelligence."
"Why don't you just go back to your homeland."
Me: "Do you mean New York City?"
Me: "I much prefer Gook. If you're gonna be racist, please use the correct ethnic slur."
"Do you speak English?" (Tourist who stopped me to ask for directions)
Me: "No, I don't. You should ask someone else."
"Do you dream in Korean?"
Me: "No. But I do dream in French and Latin."
"But you don't act Asian."
Me: "I like to save my flying kung-fu for special occassions. I don't like to show off."
"Are you sure you're Korean?"
Me: "I'm not sure. Wait a sec while I check my label."
(This next one comes from an interview I was conducting. I couldn't respond back but I wish I had.)
"The problem with the black people we hire is that they always have a chip on their shoulder. The asians and indians aren't like that. Of course, you have to watch out for them as well. They have a tendancy to exaggerate their resumes."
(If you ever want to pick me up at a bar, never, ever use this last one. Remember, I wear stilletos and I know how to convert them into a self-defense mechanism.)
"You are so beautiful and exotic and I love the special color of your skin."
Me: "Too bad. This is going to be the last time you see it." (And then I walked away.)